The Little things

I’m laying in a hot tub, letting the water flow over me, while i watch a bath bomb sizzle as it gets smaller and smaller, changing the water from clear to pink and putting a pleasant aroma into the steam around me . I used to love taking a hot bath after a long day.Continue reading “The Little things”

Once Upon a Time

Once upon a time, not a long long time ago, there was a girl. She was happy and found beauty in everything around her. The clouds, the sky, the mountains, the sea, the birds, the glisten of dew on a spider web, and the sounds of this life on a beautiful earth that we areContinue reading “Once Upon a Time”

What Doesn’t Kill You, Makes You Stronger

You know, one of things I have hated hearing on this journey is ” you’re so strong”. I think most parents who have lost a child to suicide….for that matter ANYONE who has lost a loved one no matter what the cause of death is, those words make us cringe. It’s not that I don’tContinue reading “What Doesn’t Kill You, Makes You Stronger”

Depression vs Grief

I’m not depressed. I can get up in the morning. I shower. I get dressed. I eat. I sleep….well, sometimes i sleep. I don’t have a ” foreboding sense of doom”. I don’t feel like I need to stay in bed all day. I’m not suicidal. But; sometimes I want to die. I have sufferedContinue reading “Depression vs Grief”

There is no word

A friend recently posted a meme on my Facebook, that said something along the lines of ” when a husband or wife loses their spouse, they are called a widow. When a child loses their parents they are called an orphan. But there is no name for a parent who has lost a child”. IContinue reading “There is no word”

Rage

I had a rough night. I’m never sure what triggers these, aside from the obvious… but most days I can get through hiding much of what I’m feeling from the world. This ” bomb cyclone” weather we were hit with over the past two days was great weather for walking the dogs as my tearsContinue reading “Rage”

Dear Universe

Dear Universe, Fuck you. I am not ok. I spin round and round in a cesspool of darkness. I hold my breath but you force me to breathe. And I don’t want to. I feel like I’ll choke on my tears. But you won’t let that happen either. I feel like I am being punished.Continue reading “Dear Universe”

Abe

This is my dog Abram. Or, Abe for short. Abe grounds me. He found me 5 years ago, and saw me through what I thought was the biggest crisis of my life ( at that time). Abe kept me alive in return for a roof over his head, a full belly, lots of walks, andContinue reading “Abe”

Advice

I hit the 2 month mark 3 days ago and it was brutal. I felt like I had been thrown into that first week again. It is a journey of healing that will see you ride out tsunamis and tidal waves, occassional calm waters, and then back to high seas and tsunamis. It will neverContinue reading “Advice”

Darkness setting in

It was two months ago today. The time has passed in the blink of an eye even though the days seem so long. It all still defies explanation: It makes no sense. Most days it feels like I am getting through this. But then something snaps and I’m off again on on a carousel ofContinue reading “Darkness setting in”

This is a hard day.

8 weeks today. I had to run to the store to buy batteries for my fireplace remote. And the song Rocketman started playing over the PA system. Sam used to play the guitar sometimes when we would talk on the phone. He played that song often and we would sing together. The song really meantContinue reading “This is a hard day.”

Stop, go, stop

That’s how my grief feels. One minute I’m fine; then I’m not ; then I am ; then I’m not. It’s endless. Tonight I’m not fine. People die every day. It’s the hardest part of life and love. It’s the cycle of our existence. At some point we all grieve the loss of love. ButContinue reading “Stop, go, stop”

A cup of tea and a card game

It’s been 7 weeks and 4 days since he left us. My son loved Thanksgiving and this one was going to be hard.  Initially,  I wanted to opt out but my spouse Randy seemed to really want to enjoy a turkey dinner and his family had invited us so I woke up this morning andContinue reading “A cup of tea and a card game”

Canadian Thanksgiving

It’s “Thanksgiving”. I guess the appropriate thing to say, would be ” Happy” and ” Thanksgiving”. But, I feel no happiness in my heart or my soul right now, so it’s a hard word to use- for me anyway. I am thankful though…I’m thankful every day for my family and my friends; for my pets;Continue reading “Canadian Thanksgiving”

Song

Today, as I was driving to work, I had another sign from my sweet boy. As I often do now, I talk to him on my drive to work. I asked him to choose the next song. While I waited for the song playing to finish, I asked him for an answer to a question.Continue reading “Song”

Gifts and signs

My son died by suicide 7 weeks ago.  I still am in disbelief that he is gone.  But I guess we never get over the shock right?  Especially when they choose to leave this world.   I know he is at peace and this is the only thing that brings me comfort. Some days grief let’sContinue reading “Gifts and signs”

B.O.I.

It’s been 7 weeks, yet it seems like yesterday. It’s almost 1 am….and I’m guessing, that with the time difference that this was possibly around the time of the morning exactly 7 weeks ago that you did it. I can’t get this out of my head. I suspect it will be a night of littleContinue reading “B.O.I.”

The Note

Tonight, I read your note. I’m sitting here, on the stair listening to the rain and trying to catch my breath.I’m sorry.I told you I would try to stop crying so that you could be at peace. But it’s not that easy Sam. It’s never going to be easy. I dread every morning as theContinue reading “The Note”

Visitor

The past 6 weeks have gone by in a blur. I returned to work nearly two weeks ago, and although my days there are short ( 2 hours per day) it helps to get out of the house. The grief never goes away. Sometimes, for a moment I can find a place in my mindContinue reading “Visitor”

Monument

My father called me to tell me that Sam’s monument had been erected yesterday. Sometime, in the last few days, the cemetery workers had removed the temporary white cross, and erected his beautiful granite monument. There was no ceremony, no formality. The temporary marker replaced with a formal reminder, that he is gone from thisContinue reading “Monument”

I just miss him….so much

It’s only been five weeks and one day. My son left me on a Rollercoaster of emotions and sometimes, I’m not even sure what it is that sends me into the most intense bone racking convulsive fits of crying. It can be anything. The thought of Thanksgiving, Christmas, New Years, his birthday, Monday, Wednesday, aContinue reading “I just miss him….so much”

Who am I Anymore?

I’m a mother of four, wonderful grown children. But one is gone now. Although I’m still a mom of four … the balance is off. Who am I even? I love my 3 living children, but what good am I as a mother when I am broken? I find myself not wanting to face theContinue reading “Who am I Anymore?”