Time moves on

It’s been 1 year, 1 month and 16 days since Sam left us. I can’t believe how quickly time is flying by. The good in that is that the time moves quicker and I can be with my child again before i know it. The grief hasn’t gotten easier. It’s become softer and I canContinue reading “Time moves on”

Dreams

I dreamt about Sam last night. I hadn’t dreamt about him for a year, well not that I can remember anyway. I don’t often remember my dreams. I once asked him a question back in January on my birthday as I was drifting between sleep and awake, and I heard him answer inside my head….Continue reading “Dreams”

A year came and went.  I couldn’t write.  This is slowly killing me.  I’ve bargained.  I’ve begged.  I’ve cried.  I’ve screamed.  I’ve tried to be a pillar of grieving.  But I can’t breathe.  My heart feels like it is suffocating right now.  I watch the world move on one day at a time.  I don’tContinue reading

One year ago today, we laid you to rest in a beautiful place surrounded by heros: a place so serene and so sacred. I felt you there that day: I know you watched in amazement at how many were there to say goodbye and to support us in our deepest time of sorrow. We hadContinue reading

Control

I recently started buying house plants. Like, literally everytime I go to the store, I go to the plant section. Oftentimes, I buy healthy plants, but when I see a plant that looks like it will just be thrown away, I feel sad for it, so I buy it and bring it home, take offContinue reading “Control”

11 months 11 days

This is the last month of the year Sam was alive in. It’s been a year of firsts : much like the 1st year of his life except as each date passed, they were filled with sadness rather than joy. The milestones have added up – first Thanksgiving; first Christmas; first birthdays; first Easter ;Continue reading “11 months 11 days”

Compassion

Grief can be a nasty thing. I can’t believe the coldness of some people who are grieving. Recently, a mom in a bereavement group that i belong to spoke about her son being incarcerated in prison for life. She misses him and grieves that he has lost his future and his freedom. She misses beingContinue reading “Compassion”

Triggers

I broke down at work today. I was up on a stand, reinstalling an engine driven compressor into the engine of an aircraft, when the song ” Take On Me” by Ah Ha started playing over the speaker that my co- workers were using to make our job a little less tedious. One of themContinue reading “Triggers”

Among his last words to me, were ” I don’t want to do this anymore”. I understand. And I don’t want to either. I’m tired. I’m tired of this world. I’m tired of trying to fit in. Or to be accepted. I’m tired of trying to feel like I matter when I’m just one ofContinue reading

It’s been 10 months since my son decided to leave us. I used to wonder how parents survived the loss of their child. But now I’ve come to realize, that we don’t. I mean, we continue to breathe and function in a living body, but who we once were, died with our child. I don’tContinue reading

I failed. I loved my children more than I could ever have loved myself. But it wasn’t enough. I failed Sam. He reached out to me that night. I didn’t understand. I failed him and he died. Why do I continue to wake up every day? Why am I still here? I just don’t knowContinue reading

I feel like saying fuck it and throwing in the towel. I told my psychologist this. I told her that I am happiest when I’ve decided that I’m not going to stay for the long haul, because, even though I havnt an end date in mind, I can see an end to it. Living inContinue reading

Pergatory

I live in a space between;I’m neither here nor there;I walk a line between two worlds;I live deep inside a hell. My dreams are filled with torment;My soul has gone amiss;It’s searching for my child;Who left behind a dark abyss. His voice I long to hear now;I miss his sweet and gentle gaze;My heart isContinue reading “Pergatory”

What is left behind

The last few days have been a real struggle for me. I wake up, and immediately feel sad because I’m still here. I go through the motions of daily life. Sometimes it feels surreal. Some days I feel like I’m in a matrix and I just wish I could find a glitch that my sonContinue reading “What is left behind”

To another parent on the loss of their son as they face the funeral…..

It’s so heartbreaking to see others have to walk this excruciating journey as they face the nightmare called suicide in the loss of their child. None of us want to be in this bereavement group. No one ever knows what to say. There just are no words to cover it. I reached out to anotherContinue reading “To another parent on the loss of their son as they face the funeral…..”

The Will to Live

The other night I had what I think was an esophageal spasm. They present just like a heart attack. I had an episode back in 2014 and although the stress test was positive for blockage, the subsequent thalium stress test and ultrasound of the heart was inconclusive. They left it as ” possible esophageal spasm”Continue reading “The Will to Live”

Sharing.

I did not write this. My words could never be so eloquent. But I wanted to share this. Her words speak for every parent who has lost a child. It doesn’t matter the age, or how they died: Something dies in us when we lose a son or a daughter. Life is never the same,Continue reading “Sharing.”

Always

I was driving to work early this morning. As my car rounded the bend of 1st St, I said aloud ” I miss you so much Sam”. Within 2 seconds ( I kid you not and no exageration) the song ” Always” by Killswitch Engage started to play. This song is on my Spotify playlistContinue reading “Always”

Camping

We are camping at Sointula : a beautiful island called Malcolm Island near the north eastern tip of Vancouver Island. It is a quaint little place where wildlife is abound and the Orca are known to scratch their bellies on the pebble shores. It’s a beautiful paradise three hours away from our home. I neededContinue reading “Camping”

The loss of a child

I’ve had many parents say to me, ” I don’t know how I would survive the loss of a child. I’d want to die with them”. I’ve been told that I’m very strong to be living with this. I don’t know about being ” strong”. Because I’m not. I’ve been resilient through out my lifeContinue reading “The loss of a child”

Nine Months

Nine months today he left us. Nine months has passed so quickly. I carried him in the womb for nine months and 3 days : in 3 days he will have been gone longer than I carried him in my body. I carry his pain with me now. But if that means he can beContinue reading “Nine Months”