Boxing Day

It’s 0117. I can’t sleep although I’m tired. I’ve started practicing holotropic breathing at night before I sleep. It is said to induce visions. That’s just how desperate I am to see Sam.

It’s been 16 months and one week, and sometimes I wonder if I am just going batshit crazy. I’ve heard that a mother is never the same after losing a child. Is that just a nicer term for batshit crazy? I go to bed trying to induce visions to see him.

But I know he is here. I have no doubt. I just wish I could see him.

I have two weeks off work. We are moving in 5 days. This house has to be packed and I need to find tenants to rent my house. I also have to sit down and go over the findings of the Board of Inquiry into his death. They were delivered to me in early Dec. I’m putting in a grievance against them. I’m not just doing this for Sam. I’m doing this for every person in the military who has been screwed over by the mental health system that is provided for us. The more I talk openly, the more I have had others open up to me of their experience. And it’s atrocious. I had hoped that the BOI would address the concerns I brought up last year in Sam’s death, but instead they were brushed under the rug and the blame was conveniently placed on a mental health diagnosis Sam was given at the age of 17. The harassment he was subjected to in that last year of his life? They asked to have that struck from the BOI entirely ( the Major who conducted it refused). The mental health piece: the casual way drugs were prescribed without proper observation ( who prescribes an anti-psychotic to someone who is not schizophrenic and is already taking ” head meds” known to cause hallucinations? This was not addressed and instead the findings stated that the treatment he received was adequate. It was not. So, suffice it to say I have work to do. I’m not accepting their findings and I will go public if need be. At least this is giving me a purpose to keep going. Because I truly feel like I have no purpose left on this side anymore.

I went downstairs earlier and as I walked under the smoke detector, it chirped. And when I walked under it a few seconds later, I looked up and said aloud ” is that you Sam?” and it immediately chirped again.

I’m not going batshit crazy.