RIP Buddy

Yesterday I had to set my sweet 19 year old dog free from this world. I prayed that he would pass peacefully and pain free but through the night I could see that he was struggling and in pain so when the vet opened at 0800, I called and within 30 minutes I took himContinue reading “RIP Buddy”

Boxing Day

It’s 0117. I can’t sleep although I’m tired. I’ve started practicing holotropic breathing at night before I sleep. It is said to induce visions. That’s just how desperate I am to see Sam. It’s been 16 months and one week, and sometimes I wonder if I am just going batshit crazy. I’ve heard that aContinue reading “Boxing Day”

Christmas Eve

Six years ago tonight, I spent my last Christmas with Sam. It was a bit of a disaster. My daughter and I were barely on speaking terms. I had so desperately wanted her to just spend a few days with me, but she wanted to go to Kingston. It was in the early days ofContinue reading “Christmas Eve”

The many faces of grief

When we lose someone to death, grief is obvious. But grief can manifest itself through other channels of loss. Grief can affect someone after the breakup of a relationship; or not getting a job promotion that was expected and hoped for; or the loss of health or a physical injury that keeps you from beingContinue reading “The many faces of grief”

This is what it is like when you lose a child

I was walking through Superstore yesterday, and I saw a bag of cookies that I used to buy when the kids were young. I walked over, picked it up and immediately I had to put it down because I suddenly felt like crying. I saw a pair of seat covers being advertised a few minutesContinue reading “This is what it is like when you lose a child”

Passive Suicide

I spent an hour with the dietician yesterday. My doctor referred me weeks ago, to help me with my bingeing. This was my second appointment. But I’m not just bingeing. I am slowing destroying myself from the inside out. I starve myself for 2 or 3 weeks in an attempt to control ” something ”Continue reading “Passive Suicide”

2022 international Suicide loss survivors day.

Today is International Suicide Survivors Day 2022. Never in my lifetime did I think today would be about me. But then, I don’t think anyone who survives the loss of a loved one to suicide ever thought this would be a journey that they would be on. As human beings, we face every day withContinue reading “2022 international Suicide loss survivors day.”

14 months, 4 days. I can’t shake the thought that if only I had stayed in Trenton 5 years ago rather than move to the other side of the country, Sam would still be alive. He moved there in 2020 after the breakup of his marriage. He had asked to move there so his (Continue reading

A Complicated Grief

Suicide loss is a complicated grief. Those who havnt gone through it will never understand it. Hell, I don’t think we understand it ourselves. I don’t know how we are supposed to survive it. I often don’t want to survive it. When people say, ” Sam wouldn’t want you to be so sad. He wouldContinue reading “A Complicated Grief”

I’m having a rough night.

It has been almost 14 months now since Sam left us. Mental illness was his demon: he died by the final symptom of it. He died by suicide. He was 31. He would be almost 33 now. He should be almost 33 now. But instead, he is forever 31. They say that the second yearContinue reading “I’m having a rough night.”

Time moves on

It’s been 1 year, 1 month and 16 days since Sam left us. I can’t believe how quickly time is flying by. The good in that is that the time moves quicker and I can be with my child again before i know it. The grief hasn’t gotten easier. It’s become softer and I canContinue reading “Time moves on”

Dreams

I dreamt about Sam last night. I hadn’t dreamt about him for a year, well not that I can remember anyway. I don’t often remember my dreams. I once asked him a question back in January on my birthday as I was drifting between sleep and awake, and I heard him answer inside my head….Continue reading “Dreams”

One year ago today, we laid you to rest in a beautiful place surrounded by heros: a place so serene and so sacred. I felt you there that day: I know you watched in amazement at how many were there to say goodbye and to support us in our deepest time of sorrow. We hadContinue reading

Control

I recently started buying house plants. Like, literally everytime I go to the store, I go to the plant section. Oftentimes, I buy healthy plants, but when I see a plant that looks like it will just be thrown away, I feel sad for it, so I buy it and bring it home, take offContinue reading “Control”

11 months 11 days

This is the last month of the year Sam was alive in. It’s been a year of firsts : much like the 1st year of his life except as each date passed, they were filled with sadness rather than joy. The milestones have added up – first Thanksgiving; first Christmas; first birthdays; first Easter ;Continue reading “11 months 11 days”

Compassion

Grief can be a nasty thing. I can’t believe the coldness of some people who are grieving. Recently, a mom in a bereavement group that i belong to spoke about her son being incarcerated in prison for life. She misses him and grieves that he has lost his future and his freedom. She misses beingContinue reading “Compassion”

Triggers

I broke down at work today. I was up on a stand, reinstalling an engine driven compressor into the engine of an aircraft, when the song ” Take On Me” by Ah Ha started playing over the speaker that my co- workers were using to make our job a little less tedious. One of themContinue reading “Triggers”

Among his last words to me, were ” I don’t want to do this anymore”. I understand. And I don’t want to either. I’m tired. I’m tired of this world. I’m tired of trying to fit in. Or to be accepted. I’m tired of trying to feel like I matter when I’m just one ofContinue reading

It’s been 10 months since my son decided to leave us. I used to wonder how parents survived the loss of their child. But now I’ve come to realize, that we don’t. I mean, we continue to breathe and function in a living body, but who we once were, died with our child. I don’tContinue reading

I failed. I loved my children more than I could ever have loved myself. But it wasn’t enough. I failed Sam. He reached out to me that night. I didn’t understand. I failed him and he died. Why do I continue to wake up every day? Why am I still here? I just don’t knowContinue reading

I feel like saying fuck it and throwing in the towel. I told my psychologist this. I told her that I am happiest when I’ve decided that I’m not going to stay for the long haul, because, even though I havnt an end date in mind, I can see an end to it. Living inContinue reading