I can’t help but to wonder what is going on in the world. Right on the heels of a global pandemic we are staring down the barrel of a madman who doesn’t seem to be concerned about how the world perceives his plan to take over the Ukraine and threatens nuclear retaliation if anyone intervenes.Continue reading

Where have you gone Sam?

Why can’t I see you?           Where have you gone? I’m still here.            I’m all around you mom. Why can’t I hear you?          It tears out my heart. Listen in the rain,           We’re not far apart. When the sun shines,             I  promise I’m there. When the cool wind blows              That’s me blowing your hair. Nothing hasContinue reading “Where have you gone Sam?”

As I was going through some boxes today, I came across some of Sam’s clothing and a pair of dress shoes that I had bought him when he was still living at home. The shoes struck me the hardest for some reason. I’m not sure why. It was like ripping a scab off. Six monthsContinue reading

Pets and Loss

I have Buddy. He was Sam’s dog. For as long as we had Buddy ( almost 19 years), he had ALWAYS been Sam’s dog. Buddy ended up on our doorstep when he was enroute to the shelter. He had been passed around a group of teenagers for a week or so and no one wasContinue reading “Pets and Loss”

Anger

I read somewhere that anger is the second stage of grief. I haven’t hit the anger stage yet; at least I don’t think I have. I know I am angry at my son’s ex-wife for the role she played in Sam’s mental decline. And I’m mad at his supervisor for the way she treated himContinue reading “Anger”

Pain

I’m on holiday. Everything triggers a memory. As much as I try to get into the groove of enjoying the surf, sun and beauty of Hawaii, my mind constantly contorts itself to remembering or thinking about my son. Is this what I am destined for what time is left? “I don’t want to do thisContinue reading “Pain”

Sinead O’Connor

I read an article about Sinead O’Connor this morning. It stated how she said that she would never sing again after losing her son to suicide a few months ago. Of course, there was “that” stupid comment made by one reader stating how she always made rash decisions and comments in “emotional” moments. “Emotional moments”.Continue reading “Sinead O’Connor”

Almost six months

It’s been almost 6 months. Six months of not hearing his voice. Six months of longing to hear it. Six months of falling asleep at night and whispering ” I love you Sam” and not hearing his reply. Six months of waking up every morning and remembering that he is gone. Six months of feelingContinue reading “Almost six months”

Guitars for Vets

Today I bought a guitar. It’s beautiful. It’s glossy and it’s smooth. The hard shell black case is bare, and just waiting to be adorned with the type of stickers that musicians like to put on their cases. I wont be learning to play it however : I’m donating it to a wonderful cause calledContinue reading “Guitars for Vets”

It’s ” Bell Lets Talk” day. Why isn’t it everyday?

January 26th…..” Bell Lets Talk” day.Where do we even start?There is so much stigma around mental health. And there shouldn’t be. I’ve heard people call out others as : ” weak”,” drama queen”,” attention-seeking”,“pathetic”,” nut job”, … the list goes on. I’ve seen people roll their eyes, or whisper about others who struggle. But thenContinue reading “It’s ” Bell Lets Talk” day. Why isn’t it everyday?”

Inside my head

Inside my head, I used to goTo escape calamity, noise, and chatter.Where I could quietly shut out the world,And all that didn’t matter. It was in those days that the little things meant, way too much to me.The problems that felt insurmountable,Were more simple than they seemed to be. The quiet places of my daydreamContinue reading “Inside my head”

Death by medication?

I found out recently that Sam was taking three different prescribed medications at the time of his death: Fuoxetine ( Prozac), Buproprion ( Wellbutrin) and Latuda. In the weeks leading up to his suicide, Sam told me that he was felt he was starting to experience psychosis. He didn’t elaborate much, other than to tellContinue reading “Death by medication?”

My birthday

I turned 56 yesterday. I used to omit the actual number: I’ve always sort of been in denial about growing older. I feel mentally that I stopped aging at 37. I’ve always felt much younger than my actual age, and I’ve been blessed with good genetics in that physically, I’m much younger than the 56Continue reading “My birthday”

Untitled

Sometimes I feel like there is nothing between me and a complete mental breakdown. Sometimes I feel like my next moment will be my last competent thought before I dive into complete and utter madness. Sometimes, I wonder why the hell am I holding on to this semblance…this tiny minute strand of sanity. Why can’tContinue reading “Untitled”

My mask

The world moved forward, but in my heart I can not. Please understand this when I seem to not be ” there”, or if I’m not making a lot of sense. Most days, I’m exhausted from wearing the mask just to try to fit back in. The thing is… I don’t think I’ll ever trulyContinue reading “My mask”

New Years Eve

It is early, on the last day of the year. In mere hours, the sun will be setting on 2021 forever, amidst celebration and resolutions made for many, to see us through the next 365 days. It has been… well, it has been a year. A year that many will be happy to move forwardContinue reading “New Years Eve”

First Christmas

Five days til Christmas,I wish that you were hereThe tree is lit, the candles brightI feel your spirit near. Four days til ChristmasThe tears begin to flowThe winter sky is openAnd it begins to snow Three days til ChristmasThe presents are all wrappedBut the tree is looking empty As my heart tries to adapt. MyContinue reading “First Christmas”

Buddy

My son died 4 months ago tomorrow. He was 31. His dog Buddy was with him from the time he was 12. We didn’t think Buddy would be around for long after Sam died. But he is. He is 19. He went to stay with one of my other sons, but the stress was tooContinue reading “Buddy”

The morning he died

The morning Sam died, is etched in my mind, as clearly, as if it was just days ago. I woke up, to daylight streaming through my window. It was probably not long after the sun came up. I stretched, expecting it to be like any other day. I hadn’t yet checked my phone as IContinue reading “The morning he died”

Survive

I’m struggling. I don’t feel like I’m coping. Coming into the holidays is worse than I thought it would be. I still cant begin to imagine being in this world without my son Sam. Yet, here I am…living in a world that I can not imagine. It’s been almost four months. I thought it wouldContinue reading “Survive”

I can’t

Have you ever had that feeling ” I can’t do this”? When I was 17 I joined the military. There was many times over the 12 weeks of basic training where I thought ” I can’t do this ” but I put my mind to whatever task was at hand; swallowed my fear or disgustContinue reading “I can’t”

Do We Choose Our Life Paths?

My sister visited from Toronto this week. It was nice to have a distraction from what my life has become in the weeks gone by since that morning that the phone rang with the news about Sam. . My childhood was rife with accidents- the mauling by our family dog at the age of three;Continue reading “Do We Choose Our Life Paths?”