Inside my head

Inside my head, I used to goTo escape calamity, noise, and chatter.Where I could quietly shut out the world,And all that didn’t matter. It was in those days that the little things meant, way too much to me.The problems that felt insurmountable,Were more simple than they seemed to be. The quiet places of my daydreamContinue reading “Inside my head”

Death by medication?

I found out recently that Sam was taking three different prescribed medications at the time of his death: Fuoxetine ( Prozac), Buproprion ( Wellbutrin) and Latuda. In the weeks leading up to his suicide, Sam told me that he was felt he was starting to experience psychosis. He didn’t elaborate much, other than to tellContinue reading “Death by medication?”

My birthday

I turned 56 yesterday. I used to omit the actual number: I’ve always sort of been in denial about growing older. I feel mentally that I stopped aging at 37. I’ve always felt much younger than my actual age, and I’ve been blessed with good genetics in that physically, I’m much younger than the 56Continue reading “My birthday”


Sometimes I feel like there is nothing between me and a complete mental breakdown. Sometimes I feel like my next moment will be my last competent thought before I dive into complete and utter madness. Sometimes, I wonder why the hell am I holding on to this semblance…this tiny minute strand of sanity. Why can’tContinue reading “Untitled”

My mask

The world moved forward, but in my heart I can not. Please understand this when I seem to not be ” there”, or if I’m not making a lot of sense. Most days, I’m exhausted from wearing the mask just to try to fit back in. The thing is… I don’t think I’ll ever trulyContinue reading “My mask”

New Years Eve

It is early, on the last day of the year. In mere hours, the sun will be setting on 2021 forever, amidst celebration and resolutions made for many, to see us through the next 365 days. It has been… well, it has been a year. A year that many will be happy to move forwardContinue reading “New Years Eve”

First Christmas

Five days til Christmas,I wish that you were hereThe tree is lit, the candles brightI feel your spirit near. Four days til ChristmasThe tears begin to flowThe winter sky is openAnd it begins to snow Three days til ChristmasThe presents are all wrappedBut the tree is looking empty As my heart tries to adapt. MyContinue reading “First Christmas”


My son died 4 months ago tomorrow. He was 31. His dog Buddy was with him from the time he was 12. We didn’t think Buddy would be around for long after Sam died. But he is. He is 19. He went to stay with one of my other sons, but the stress was tooContinue reading “Buddy”

The morning he died

The morning Sam died, is etched in my mind, as clearly, as if it was just days ago. I woke up, to daylight streaming through my window. It was probably not long after the sun came up. I stretched, expecting it to be like any other day. I hadn’t yet checked my phone as IContinue reading “The morning he died”


I’m struggling. I don’t feel like I’m coping. Coming into the holidays is worse than I thought it would be. I still cant begin to imagine being in this world without my son Sam. Yet, here I am…living in a world that I can not imagine. It’s been almost four months. I thought it wouldContinue reading “Survive”

I can’t

Have you ever had that feeling ” I can’t do this”? When I was 17 I joined the military. There was many times over the 12 weeks of basic training where I thought ” I can’t do this ” but I put my mind to whatever task was at hand; swallowed my fear or disgustContinue reading “I can’t”

Do We Choose Our Life Paths?

My sister visited from Toronto this week. It was nice to have a distraction from what my life has become in the weeks gone by since that morning that the phone rang with the news about Sam. . My childhood was rife with accidents- the mauling by our family dog at the age of three;Continue reading “Do We Choose Our Life Paths?”


My mom has dementia. She has been in a nursing home for 3 years now. She has been in a steady decline and having a conversation with her now, is like having a conversation with someone using predictive text: It makes very little sense. I have been grieving the loss of my mom for moreContinue reading “Lucidity”

Am I dying?

It sure feels like it. My every day feels like I’m facing a finality, like my time here is spiraling down. Is it real? Or is it just my mental state that’s crying out, telling me that the depression is starting to sink in. Or maybe it’s wishful thinking. When I was driving home fromContinue reading “Am I dying?”

Trolls and Negative People. It’s a cruel world.

Has the world always just been full of mean, rude people? Or has Covid isolation , or social media, just brought out the worst in us? I’m having one of those days: where so many emotions are hitting me at once. If I said I was a basket case, it would be an exageration, yetContinue reading “Trolls and Negative People. It’s a cruel world.”

This is Sam

This is my son Sam. He loved his dogs, he was kind and he was gentle. He was a soldier. He was the youngest of three boys in a family of 4 children ( the youngest is a girl). He was a brother to Kris Matt and Tessa. He was a gifted guitarist and heContinue reading “This is Sam”

What Sam Would Want

If I hear ” your son would want you to be happy” one more time, I think I’m going to scream. Like, that is going to make me suddenly happy? That’s going to turn my despair around, and make me smile again? There is just…. no words to answer that. Tonight, my nerves are raw.Continue reading “What Sam Would Want”

The Darkness

I’m feeling the darkness tonight. Its strange how it hits without any warning. I was OK earlier: tired, but ok. But now I’m not. It’s a desperate feeling: A most disconcerting feeling. I don’t want to be. I simply don’t want to continue to feel this pain. And that means, essentially, that I want toContinue reading “The Darkness”

Comparing Apples to Oranges

I belong to a support group for grieving the loss of a child. In fact, I actually belong to a few. But yesterday I saw someone say how angry they get when they see someone post that their dog or cat or any pet for that matter, dies. This person stated that they just wantedContinue reading “Comparing Apples to Oranges”


I woke up this morning, and rolled over to face Grief. She was laying on the bed with me, propped up on one elbow, smiling sweetly as I opened my eyes. Her silhouette blocked out the sunlight as it streamed into the room. Good morning she said. I closed my eyes, and sighed. ” Morning”Continue reading “Grief”


I had a friend say ” I hope this brings you the closure you’re looking for ” when I finished up with my part in the Board of Inquiry yesterday and prepared to catch a flight home this morning. I can’t get upset. Unless someone has lost their child, there is no way that theyContinue reading “Closure?”

Three Months

Three months ago today that you left us my sweet Sam. You’re on my mind almost every minute of every day. I hope I’m doing you proud as I honor you in my grief. I hope that as I share your story here in Trenton this week, that it is making a difference: I wantContinue reading “Three Months”