Sometimes I feel like there is nothing between me and a complete mental breakdown. Sometimes I feel like my next moment will be my last competent thought before I dive into complete and utter madness. Sometimes, I wonder why the hell am I holding on to this semblance…this tiny minute strand of sanity. Why can’t I just let go and fall away into blackness. Into silence.
I feel cursed with a life that I no longer want. Health …. that is unwavering. A body that just won’t let go. Even though I want it to.
The parallels of these two photos astounds me. Why in his picture does he get to leave. And why, in mine do I have to stay? He just looked forward and kept walking. I looked back, so i had to stay. I’ve always thought of this photo as my last photo, as Abe and I walk off into heaven.
Oh god! What kind of mother would want to choose death over life… to forego a future with her living children.
My heart is destroyed. My taste for life on this side of the veil is gone.
I know that these moments of my near insanity hold my son back from the peace that he sought. That is the string that pulls me back from the brink of insanity: that keeps me glued to this damned place that I have to stay in….for just a little longer. I want only peace for Sam. So for that, I will stay.
Another day has ended….I’m one day closer to seeing your beautiful face again Sam. I love you.