Among his last words to me, were ” I don’t want to do this anymore”. I understand. And I don’t want to either. I’m tired. I’m tired of this world. I’m tired of trying to fit in. Or to be accepted. I’m tired of trying to feel like I matter when I’m just one ofContinue reading

It’s been 10 months since my son decided to leave us. I used to wonder how parents survived the loss of their child. But now I’ve come to realize, that we don’t. I mean, we continue to breathe and function in a living body, but who we once were, died with our child. I don’tContinue reading

I failed. I loved my children more than I could ever have loved myself. But it wasn’t enough. I failed Sam. He reached out to me that night. I didn’t understand. I failed him and he died. Why do I continue to wake up every day? Why am I still here? I just don’t knowContinue reading

I feel like saying fuck it and throwing in the towel. I told my psychologist this. I told her that I am happiest when I’ve decided that I’m not going to stay for the long haul, because, even though I havnt an end date in mind, I can see an end to it. Living inContinue reading

Pergatory

I live in a space between;I’m neither here nor there;I walk a line between two worlds;I live deep inside a hell. My dreams are filled with torment;My soul has gone amiss;It’s searching for my child;Who left behind a dark abyss. His voice I long to hear now;I miss his sweet and gentle gaze;My heart isContinue reading “Pergatory”

What is left behind

The last few days have been a real struggle for me. I wake up, and immediately feel sad because I’m still here. I go through the motions of daily life. Sometimes it feels surreal. Some days I feel like I’m in a matrix and I just wish I could find a glitch that my sonContinue reading “What is left behind”

To another parent on the loss of their son as they face the funeral…..

It’s so heartbreaking to see others have to walk this excruciating journey as they face the nightmare called suicide in the loss of their child. None of us want to be in this bereavement group. No one ever knows what to say. There just are no words to cover it. I reached out to anotherContinue reading “To another parent on the loss of their son as they face the funeral…..”

The Will to Live

The other night I had what I think was an esophageal spasm. They present just like a heart attack. I had an episode back in 2014 and although the stress test was positive for blockage, the subsequent thalium stress test and ultrasound of the heart was inconclusive. They left it as ” possible esophageal spasm”Continue reading “The Will to Live”

Sharing.

I did not write this. My words could never be so eloquent. But I wanted to share this. Her words speak for every parent who has lost a child. It doesn’t matter the age, or how they died: Something dies in us when we lose a son or a daughter. Life is never the same,Continue reading “Sharing.”

Always

I was driving to work early this morning. As my car rounded the bend of 1st St, I said aloud ” I miss you so much Sam”. Within 2 seconds ( I kid you not and no exageration) the song ” Always” by Killswitch Engage started to play. This song is on my Spotify playlistContinue reading “Always”

Camping

We are camping at Sointula : a beautiful island called Malcolm Island near the north eastern tip of Vancouver Island. It is a quaint little place where wildlife is abound and the Orca are known to scratch their bellies on the pebble shores. It’s a beautiful paradise three hours away from our home. I neededContinue reading “Camping”

The loss of a child

I’ve had many parents say to me, ” I don’t know how I would survive the loss of a child. I’d want to die with them”. I’ve been told that I’m very strong to be living with this. I don’t know about being ” strong”. Because I’m not. I’ve been resilient through out my lifeContinue reading “The loss of a child”

Nine Months

Nine months today he left us. Nine months has passed so quickly. I carried him in the womb for nine months and 3 days : in 3 days he will have been gone longer than I carried him in my body. I carry his pain with me now. But if that means he can beContinue reading “Nine Months”

Is Suicide Selfish ?

My father asked me how my family is doing with Sam’s death. I said that we all struggle. He had had a few glasses of wine. Sadly, my father can only talk about deep feelings when he has had a few glasses of wine. It’s liquid courage. In fact, the first time I ever heardContinue reading “Is Suicide Selfish ?”

Grief is not linear. It’s all over the frigging place like an erratic heartbeat on an ECG chart. Its jagged like the mountain tops of the Rockies . Where I can one day laugh and converse with others as if my life was somehow restored, the next day ~ sometimes, the next hour ~ mayContinue reading

Ottawa

I’m on a plane flying west.  I have had a week at home to visit Sam’s grave as often as I wished.  It’s very difficult being so far away from him but of course even when I can sit by his grave,  he is still so far away.  For the first time since Sam died, Continue reading “Ottawa”

Bye for now

I always end my calls to loved ones with ” bye for now”. It means that I will talk/ see you later. I never say goodbye. My last call with Sam, just a couple of hours before he died, I said ” bye for now. I love you”. If there is anything that has comeContinue reading “Bye for now”

I navigate through the highs and lows of grief and sadness and at every turn, I find myself lost. My life was cut into two : first, the life we had with Sam. And then suddenly, life after Sam. My first life journey began Jan 22, 1966. I was born; I grew up; I married;Continue reading

The Many Faces of Grief

Every one is different. Everyone is allowed to grieve differently. Some become angry. Some fall into a pit of despair and struggle to find their way out. Some accept and just keep moving forward. There is no right or wrong way to deal with how you are feeling. And no one should tell another personContinue reading “The Many Faces of Grief”

The officer in charge of the military inquiry into my son’s death reached out to me the other day. I’m not sure how i feel about that. It was nothing bad, nor was it anything good: he was just letting me know that he had reached out to the authorities in charge to find outContinue reading