Some days are OK. Alot of days are not OK. But special holidays? They are hard. It’ll never be the same. Nothing will ever be the same. The emptiness; the hollow. No, nothing will be the same again. Time will bring healing . Time will realize a new normal. They say. What’s a new normalContinue reading

Easter Weekend

It’s another special holiday weekend : one that holds memories of easter pastel colored baskets and my children’s father and i staying up late to hide chocolate eggs around the house. Each of our four children would have a special spot in the livingroom where there would be chocolate easter bunnies and treats, a toy,Continue reading “Easter Weekend”

Anxiety

I’m feeling on edge tonight. It started this morning actually: walking around at work doing DIs ( daily inspections) on our support equipment, and getting irritated with members of the other trade I work with because they always seem to be sitting in the canteen while the rest of us are getting things done. I’veContinue reading “Anxiety”

An excerpt…..

I didn’t write this, but it is beautifully written. I’ve been fortunate to be surrounded by love and support, but I have spoken to others not so lucky. Apparently a grief counselor wrote it and I applaud them. Read on. 🌹 💐 🏵 🥀 🌹 💐 🏵 🥀 🌹 💐 🏵 🥀 🌹 💐 🏵Continue reading “An excerpt…..”

De-stress

How do you stop the thoughts from coming? I used to do yoga: it was my go to for everything. It was what I used to do when I was stressed; when I needed to quiet my thoughts. I’d do yoga and pilates to make myself tired at night, or to start my day withContinue reading “De-stress”

Acts of Kindness

I bought flowers today when I shopped for my groceries. I felt that the colorful bouquet would bring some cheer into the home. As I was leaving the store I had a sudden urge to give them to some random person in the parking lot. I didn’t though: because I didn’t want anyone to thinkContinue reading “Acts of Kindness”

Healing and Meditation

I have a Spiritual Healer. She is also a Minister, and a Medium. She is wonderful. She has told me things that she would have no way of knowing. These things resonate with me. They help me to go on. She tells me to meditate and I told her how I struggle to be ableContinue reading “Healing and Meditation”

This is Grief

Grief is not a good bedfellow. I’m laying in my bed. It’s my day off. And it’s another write-off wasted day as I think about getting dressed and maybe walking the dogs, but I know I’ll probably sit in my pajamas until well into the afternoon. That seems to be my thing these days. MotivationContinue reading “This is Grief”

Reading

I just had the most beautiful reading. And Sam was with her before we even started. It was my second reading. Sheila is a Spiritual Minister and a healer. She is blessed by Spirit with a gift that can bring peace, love, and closure to those who need it the most. I don’t feel thatContinue reading “Reading”

Stranger things

It’s been a strange few days. I think I already wrote about dreaming about Sam’s friend and reaching out to him after having an unsettling dream about his mental state. But, there have been some things today that made me sit up and take notice. Maybe they are mere coincidence, but maybe there is moreContinue reading “Stranger things”

Grief, again

I’m laying in bed. My room is a mess. My house is a mess. My head is a mess. I can’t seem to take that first step towards cleaning or tidying any of it. I have Buddy wrapped up under the blankets with me. He is doing so much better than when he first gotContinue reading “Grief, again”

Seven Months

It’s been 7 months today. I’m trying to will myself off of the couch to do yoga. But I havnt any motivation. I have a headache. I didn’t get dressed until 4: still not sure why I bothered at all. I dreamt two nights ago that one of Sam’s friends was mentally struggling. Actually, IContinue reading “Seven Months”

Between here and there

Im floating. I’m between two worlds : I want to be in both places but that’s not possible. I’m neither here nor there. I’m torn between the living and the dead. It’s been 7 months – well in two more days it will be anyway. Today is Thursday: It was the Thursday night that IContinue reading “Between here and there”

Dragonfly

I was reading a post earlier today that discussed life after death and whether it is real or not. I choose to believe that there is so much more to our existence than just… here. I am not religious by any exageration of the mind, but I am spiritual and I have faith that whateverContinue reading “Dragonfly”

I can’t help but to wonder what is going on in the world. Right on the heels of a global pandemic we are staring down the barrel of a madman who doesn’t seem to be concerned about how the world perceives his plan to take over the Ukraine and threatens nuclear retaliation if anyone intervenes.Continue reading

Where have you gone Sam?

Why can’t I see you?           Where have you gone? I’m still here.            I’m all around you mom. Why can’t I hear you?          It tears out my heart. Listen in the rain,           We’re not far apart. When the sun shines,             I  promise I’m there. When the cool wind blows              That’s me blowing your hair. Nothing hasContinue reading “Where have you gone Sam?”

As I was going through some boxes today, I came across some of Sam’s clothing and a pair of dress shoes that I had bought him when he was still living at home. The shoes struck me the hardest for some reason. I’m not sure why. It was like ripping a scab off. Six monthsContinue reading

Pets and Loss

I have Buddy. He was Sam’s dog. For as long as we had Buddy ( almost 19 years), he had ALWAYS been Sam’s dog. Buddy ended up on our doorstep when he was enroute to the shelter. He had been passed around a group of teenagers for a week or so and no one wasContinue reading “Pets and Loss”

Anger

I read somewhere that anger is the second stage of grief. I haven’t hit the anger stage yet; at least I don’t think I have. I know I am angry at my son’s ex-wife for the role she played in Sam’s mental decline. And I’m mad at his supervisor for the way she treated himContinue reading “Anger”

Happy Birthday Sam

Happy Birthday in Heaven my sweet Sam. 32 years ago today I looked into your eyes for the first time. I was so lucky to be your mom that day and truly blessed to share your 31.5 years of life. You will be with me for the rest of mine : deep within my shatteredContinue reading “Happy Birthday Sam”

Pain

I’m on holiday. Everything triggers a memory. As much as I try to get into the groove of enjoying the surf, sun and beauty of Hawaii, my mind constantly contorts itself to remembering or thinking about my son. Is this what I am destined for what time is left? “I don’t want to do thisContinue reading “Pain”

Sinead O’Connor

I read an article about Sinead O’Connor this morning. It stated how she said that she would never sing again after losing her son to suicide a few months ago. Of course, there was “that” stupid comment made by one reader stating how she always made rash decisions and comments in “emotional” moments. “Emotional moments”.Continue reading “Sinead O’Connor”