How do you stop the thoughts from coming? I used to do yoga: it was my go to for everything. It was what I used to do when I was stressed; when I needed to quiet my thoughts. I’d do yoga and pilates to make myself tired at night, or to start my day with a burst of energy. It was how I destressed.

But now, when I do yoga, the thoughts of Sam come, and they come on hard. I never did yoga with him and I don’t know why this happens. I find myself just wanting to cry.

I used to do yoga at least five nights a week. Now, I’m lucky if I do it once a month. My motivation, in part is effected by the thoughts. I think about Sam most of my waking hours so I’m not sure why it has such a negative impact on what used to help me to deal with my stress. I don’t know how to get past this.

I also used to run, but I can’t now (at least not until the Dr and physiotherapist figure out my Achilles tendon tear). And I hurt my shoulder in January so most exercise exasperates that. I’m simply … falling apart. I hate how my clothes look and feel. My uniforms are too tight but I refuse to exchange them. My friends tell me not to worry and to go easy on myself. They tell me that self care is so important. But I just can’t stand anything about me or who I am right now.

I did yoga tonight. And I left everything out so that I will do it again tomorrow. But I know myself: I probably won’t do it.

I’m just so tired. I miss Sam. I miss my family. I miss what life was before Sam died. I want him back. I want life as it was back. I don’t know how this will ever be OK again.

Published by iamtherealjude

I am a mother of four beautiful grown children. My son Sam: My youngest boy, lost his fight with his demons on Aug 19, 2021. This blog is a dedication to my sweet young man who I will forever look for in the beauty of this world until my last breath.

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