Who Am I
I’m a mother. My most important role in this life’s journey is being a mother. I’ve done a lot of things: I’ve had a career or two; I’ve traveled; I’ve been married; I’ve been divorced; I’ve been in love; I’ve fallen out of love. But the role of all of the roles that I identify…
RIP Buddy
Yesterday I had to set my sweet 19 year old dog free from this world. I prayed that he would pass peacefully and pain free but through the night I could see that he was struggling and in pain so when the vet opened at 0800, I called and within 30 minutes I took him…
Boxing Day
It’s 0117. I can’t sleep although I’m tired. I’ve started practicing holotropic breathing at night before I sleep. It is said to induce visions. That’s just how desperate I am to see Sam. It’s been 16 months and one week, and sometimes I wonder if I am just going batshit crazy. I’ve heard that a…
Christmas Eve
Six years ago tonight, I spent my last Christmas with Sam. It was a bit of a disaster. My daughter and I were barely on speaking terms. I had so desperately wanted her to just spend a few days with me, but she wanted to go to Kingston. It was in the early days of…
The many faces of grief
When we lose someone to death, grief is obvious. But grief can manifest itself through other channels of loss. Grief can affect someone after the breakup of a relationship; or not getting a job promotion that was expected and hoped for; or the loss of health or a physical injury that keeps you from being…
This is what it is like when you lose a child
I was walking through Superstore yesterday, and I saw a bag of cookies that I used to buy when the kids were young. I walked over, picked it up and immediately I had to put it down because I suddenly felt like crying. I saw a pair of seat covers being advertised a few minutes…
Passive Suicide
I spent an hour with the dietician yesterday. My doctor referred me weeks ago, to help me with my bingeing. This was my second appointment. But I’m not just bingeing. I am slowing destroying myself from the inside out. I starve myself for 2 or 3 weeks in an attempt to control ” something “…
The Dance of the Dragonfly
The dragonfly danced on guilded wing Against the twilight sky as the sun dipped low. Above our heads, he flittered high As we watched in awe, from down below. He came to say a last goodbye But also just to say hello As the sky grew dusk on that painted day To the heavens gate…
2022 international Suicide loss survivors day.
Today is International Suicide Survivors Day 2022. Never in my lifetime did I think today would be about me. But then, I don’t think anyone who survives the loss of a loved one to suicide ever thought this would be a journey that they would be on. As human beings, we face every day with…
14 months, 4 days. I can’t shake the thought that if only I had stayed in Trenton 5 years ago rather than move to the other side of the country, Sam would still be alive. He moved there in 2020 after the breakup of his marriage. He had asked to move there so his (…
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For the Love of Sam 