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Floating

I’m floating. Sometimes, I feel myself slipping below the surface, and I don’t want to come back up. I feel myself sinking deeper and deeper into the blackness. I hear my own words of hope and compassion that I tell the others who walk the same path I walk along. My words are convincing even…

Easter 2023

It’s a grey and dreary day. The torrential rains are threatening to flood my yard, but I just watched nine deer walk through, oblivious to the downpour, enjoying the growth of new grasses that stick out of the earth here and there. The holidays aren’t easy to navigate. This is our second Easter with Sam…

Happy Birthday in Heaven

17 Feb 2023Happy Birthday in Heaven to my sweet son Sam. You would be 33 today. I miss you beyond words. I still have days – most days- where my mind still can’t grasp or comprehend your absence from this world.I’ll make your favorite dinner tonight and set a place at the table for you.…

I’m tired

In early December, I sat with the president of the Board of Inquiry into Sam’s death. The findings weren’t good, as I knew they would be. The military takes no responsibility into his death. The harassment that Sam underwent was not significant because the Warrant Officer that the allegations were made against said they didn’t…

Who Am I

I’m a mother. My most important role in this life’s journey is being a mother. I’ve done a lot of things: I’ve had a career or two; I’ve traveled; I’ve been married; I’ve been divorced; I’ve been in love; I’ve fallen out of love. But the role of all of the roles that I identify…

RIP Buddy

Yesterday I had to set my sweet 19 year old dog free from this world. I prayed that he would pass peacefully and pain free but through the night I could see that he was struggling and in pain so when the vet opened at 0800, I called and within 30 minutes I took him…

Boxing Day

It’s 0117. I can’t sleep although I’m tired. I’ve started practicing holotropic breathing at night before I sleep. It is said to induce visions. That’s just how desperate I am to see Sam. It’s been 16 months and one week, and sometimes I wonder if I am just going batshit crazy. I’ve heard that a…

Christmas Eve

Six years ago tonight, I spent my last Christmas with Sam. It was a bit of a disaster. My daughter and I were barely on speaking terms. I had so desperately wanted her to just spend a few days with me, but she wanted to go to Kingston. It was in the early days of…

The many faces of grief

When we lose someone to death, grief is obvious. But grief can manifest itself through other channels of loss. Grief can affect someone after the breakup of a relationship; or not getting a job promotion that was expected and hoped for; or the loss of health or a physical injury that keeps you from being…

This is what it is like when you lose a child

I was walking through Superstore yesterday, and I saw a bag of cookies that I used to buy when the kids were young. I walked over, picked it up and immediately I had to put it down because I suddenly felt like crying. I saw a pair of seat covers being advertised a few minutes…

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