It’s a grey and dreary day. The torrential rains are threatening to flood my yard, but I just watched nine deer walk through, oblivious to the downpour, enjoying the growth of new grasses that stick out of the earth here and there.
The holidays aren’t easy to navigate. This is our second Easter with Sam gone. And it’s tough.
Memories of Easter mornings filled with the squeals of ” I found one” as the children filled their baskets with the eggs that their father and I would hide the night before permeate my thoughts and memories and I smile but also fight back the tears. Sometimes we would find wayward tin foil chocolate eggs months, even years later, but for the most part, most of the eggs would be found and devoured before we sat down to a turkey or ham dinner.
I remember pastel baskets filled with shredded colorful grass paper and an Easter outfit and spring toys left out by the Easter Bunny. I miss those days.
But I also miss the memories as a child myself of the early morning Easter egg hunts, and the chocolate Easter bunnies left out the night before. My granny used to send us Laura Secord eggs that were so rich that we were only allowed to have a small bite which made them last for days. The malted Robin’s eggs were one of my favorites.
This year, I couldn’t find the Laura Secord eggs or the Malted Robin’s eggs anywhere. Both, have become just an echo of the past, much like my memories of early morning hunts and chocolate faces and tummy aches and excited squeals as everyone filled their baskets with the little foil wrapped treasures.
I face timed briefly with my mom yesterday. Dementia has taken her from us. She stares ahead, answering questions as best as she can in a monotone tone hard to decipher. She doesn’t know me anymore. But her face lit up when I told her I’d bring her some Chinese Food when I fly out to see her next month. ” From the Golden Palace?” she asked . It’s funny how some memories still find a way in the neuro pathways of someone whose brain has been wiped of most of their memories, but it’s one small win in a conversation with the woman who is my mother, who no longer has a clue who I am. Ill happily stop at the Golden Palace and bring her that which she enjoyed all of her life.
Sam stopped by and gave me a beautiful hello on Friday night in a very unexpected way. His sense of humor is still strong across the veil, apparently, and I love it. Just days after his funeral, he visited me in a dream. I was taking something out of the oven in this dream, and I turned to put it on the table, and Sam Matt, and Tess were all sitting at this table. His brother and sister were laughing. Sam was just sitting there with a big grin on his face. He appeared to be about 15 years younger. I asked what was so funny. Tess replied that Sam was just telling them funny stories about what it is like in heaven, and told me that he said ” in heaven, when you have to go to the bathroom, you just go and it evaporates right away and doesn’t leave a trace. ” Sam never said a word in this dream, but he sat there grinning from ear to ear. I woke up giggling at that point. Randy rolled over and asked me what I was laughing about. I told him about the dream.
Flash forward to two nights ago: I was watching the second last episode of a quirky little series I found on Netflix called ” The Good Place” about four people who found themselves in the ” bad” place after they died and the entirety of the 3 seasons is about them trying to find their way to the” good” place ( heaven). It’s a good show. Anyway….. in this second last episode, they made it to the good place and they were talking to the spirit of an ancient philosopher played by Lisa Kudrow ( Friends), and she explained to them how, after hundreds of years of being in heaven, everyone gets bored. She was sitting on a park bench, drinking milkshakes and she told them how in heaven, “when you have to go to the bathroom, you just go and it evaporates and doesn’t leave a trace”.
I. WAS. FLOORED!!!!!
I said OH MY GOD as I re-winded back to seconds before and replayed it. Randy had not really been paying attention, so when he heard what I was so excited about, a big grin also crossed his face.
Sam has been gifting us with the most extravagant signs that he is still all around us. INCREDIBLE signs. But this one: wow. Just….WOW.
Today it is Easter. It’s pouring out and the pond is inching nearer closer to the house as the day passes, but the skies just brightened a bit. There are nine deer chilling in my front yard; I baked a cherry cobbler; and, my beautiful son reminded me that he is still 100 percent here with me.
Happy Easter, everyone!