I’m on a plane flying west.  I have had a week at home to visit Sam’s grave as often as I wished.  It’s very difficult being so far away from him but of course even when I can sit by his grave,  he is still so far away. 

For the first time since Sam died,  I went to his grave alone.  Every visit until now I have had family with me,  or a friend but this time  I sat by his headstone alone.  I broke down.  I lay on the ground where he was laid to rest and I cried my heart out. I needed to do that and I needed to say the words that I needed to say out loud.   I needed to cry.  I listened to Rocketman as I sat there and as i sang the words to my son,  my voice broke.

It doesn’t seem to be getting easier for me as I suspected it wouldn’t.  In four days,  Sam will have been gone for 9 months.  In a week,  Sam will have been gone longer than I carried him in my body in pregnancy.  I don’t know how I have survived this long : I havnt wanted to.  I mean seriously – no parent wants to outlive their child.  But I live on for my three other children. And i live on for Buddy ( Sam’s dog). And for Abe ( my dog).  I feel dead inside though.  I guess that’s pretty normal for someone who has a huge hole in their heart. 

I met with Cait ( Sam’s girlfriend) and her little boy Eli and her mom.  We visited at the grave and then went on a little tour of the city.  We had so much fun.  We ate unhealthy food truck meals down by Dows Lake, and then we snuck Buddy into the Museum of Nature in Ottawa. We eventually got caught by a security guard when she saw Buddys nose sticking out from under Caits sweater in the baby stroller. But the head security guard was kind and acknowledged that Buddy wasn’t much of a risk since he is so old and just lay in the lower tray of the stroller. She let us finish our visit.  Afterwards,  we went back to the cemetary where we met up with my friend Margit and we ordered burgers to picnic by Sam’s grave. When I went into the restaurant to pick up our meal the song ” Rocketman” began to play.  I smiled through the song as I waited for our order,  but the tears came. 

Buddy is currently sitting on my lap in his carrier on the flight.  There is a bit of turbulence, and I’m hungry.  I’m also tired. The Covid seems to have done a number on my body and I am tired alot of the time.    I was so happy to have Buddy on this trip with me though.  He is old but he still seems to love adventures.  My son Matthew came up and spent the better part of a day visiting with us and he brought his little Corgi puppy with him.  It’s funny how the younger dogs seem to know that Buddy is so old and they are so gentle with him.  It was so good to see Matt.  I’m glad I had a few hours with him.   I wish I could see my other two. I rarely get to see my family. Sometimes it feels like they don’t want to see me.   

I learned on Wednesday that there were three more suicides in our military over the past two weeks.  I don’t even know what to say about that anymore.  The numbers just seem to be climbing higher.  Is there something they knew that we don’t?

I miss my son. 

We are going over the mountains now and the turbulence is getting worse.  I’ll buckle up and get through this last hour of flight hopefully without vomitting. I’ve never outgrown motionsickness.

Published by iamtherealjude

I am a mother of four beautiful grown children. My son Sam: My youngest boy, lost his fight with his demons on Aug 19, 2021. This blog is a dedication to my sweet young man who I will forever look for in the beauty of this world until my last breath.

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