Today is International Suicide Survivors Day 2022. Never in my lifetime did I think today would be about me. But then, I don’t think anyone who survives the loss of a loved one to suicide ever thought this would be a journey that they would be on. As human beings, we face every day with optimism that each day will just be like the day before. Those who we love will be there in the morning when we wake up; the sun will shine somewhere and life will carry on as per normal….until it doesn’t.
I am stuck on that day.. it plays over and over in my head : the way the sun shone through my bedroom window that morning; that phone call and the desperation in my oldest son’s voice on the other end of the line telling me I needed to call my former husband right away; and the instant the dread filled my heart as I realized it was about Sam. My sweet, sweet youngest son Sam. For those brief seconds before i spoke to his dad, it was only speculation – I could still hope that maybe it wasn’t as bad as I knew already it was. There was that brief, fleeting hope. And then it was torn forever away.
I screamed that day: i screamed three times the deep guttural scream of a mother’s heart shattering into a billion pieces as i succumbed to the realization that he was gone. Poor Randy still can’t get that scream out of his head. I’m sure the moon shifted that morning at the sound.
Life has moved on, as life does: just not for the loved ones left behind. I personally can’t move past that day. I’ve said before that I wish I could be stuck in the day before : that last phone call; that last ” I love you” that last optimism that we all take for granted, that tomorrow will come; our loved ones will wake up; and somewhere, the sun will shine. I wish I could be stuck in that last day that he was alive. I’d gladly loop in that day forever.
The sun doesn’t shine the same for me anymore. Nothing is the same. I live in a pergatory: stuck between two worlds, not really belonging in either. Wanting to be here, and not wanting to be here. My surviving children lost the mother they knew: I was a mother to four. I’m not sure what I am now. There is no word for a parent who loses a child.
I live my days wearing the smile I hide my grief behind in hopes that I can blend into a world that I’m not really a part of anymore and trying not to be awkward for those who are around me.
15 months ago yesterday, he was here. 15 months ago today, he was gone.
Today is International Survivors of Suicide Day. What I want to share with those who are struggling on this earth, is that you are loved more than you know. The black hole you would leave behind for the ones who love you: your family and your friends, is so vast that they would be sucked into its vortex and they would be lost into a life of confusion, grief, anguish, sadness, anger and desperation for what remained of their journey here on this earth. The voices inside your head telling you that you are not worthy, and that the ones you love would be better off with out you, lie. We need you here. And we love you.
What I want to share with those who are fortunate to not walk this journey is this : don’t take life for granted. The optimism that tomorrow will just be another day like today can be ripped away without any warning. Make sure you tell your loved ones each and every day that you love them. That they are more than worthy and let them know how much you need them in your life. Be kind to all. Be inclusive to all.
I wouldn’t wish this on my worst enemy. I wouldn’t wish this on any one.
For the Love of Sam 