14 months, 4 days.

I can’t shake the thought that if only I had stayed in Trenton 5 years ago rather than move to the other side of the country, Sam would still be alive.

He moved there in 2020 after the breakup of his marriage. He had asked to move there so his ( then) wife could be closer to her family. But she left and he had no choice but to move. ( it was a military move).

Id have gladly had him move in with me to help him get back on his feet.

I don’t know how long I can keep living with the constant guilt. It permeates my thoughts.

I miss my before life. I miss sleep. I miss peace and joy. I miss everything. I hate existing.