It’s been 1 year, 1 month and 16 days since Sam left us. I can’t believe how quickly time is flying by. The good in that is that the time moves quicker and I can be with my child again before i know it.
The grief hasn’t gotten easier. It’s become softer and I can go days without breaking down now. But inevitably I will find myself in a pool of tears when I find a safe and quiet place to let go. I rode home from work after dark the other night, and while the road was quiet under the stars, I couldnt help but to let go a guttural scream at the top of my lungs as my motorbike carried me down the lonely highway towards home. I needed the release. I’m afraid to show my emotions to others. I don’t want to make anyone uncomfortable with my tears.
I started to watch a series on Netflix before Sam died called “Afterlife”. It was a dark British comedy about a man ( played by Ricky Gervais) in the aftermath of losing his wife to cancer. It was a wonderful series that concluded after 3 seasons. The premise of the show was about life after the loss of a significant love and moving on. But he didnt want to move on and considered so many different ways to end his life. He was befriended by the most colorful characters: a lonely postman; a junkie; a prostitute; a widow. It was a series that you couldn’t wait to watch the next episode. Had I watched the final show before Sam died, I probably would have hated how it ended. I would have cried for the loss of such a beloved character and hoped that the writers would do one better by re-writing one last script where that final episode had been just a dream. But it was the last show. And, after having lost someone I love so much, it was an ending where I felt so much peace in it. You see, the leading character went to a village festival and he happily took in how life had moved on, as life always does. New loves; new friendships. He smiled, and he and his loyal dog who had started to go grey around the muzzle and long in tooth, turned and walked off into the sunset. And as they walked up the hill, they faded away until they completely disappeared. I loved that ending. I cried my eyes out, but I completely understood. It’s how I feel- I watch the world move on as it should, but I don’t feel a part of it anymore. I don’t feel like I belong anywhere anymore. I wish Abe and I could just walk off into the sunset and quietly disappear like he did.
On another note: the Board of Inquiry finished up months ago. The officer in charge will fly out to me with the envelope containing the findings. I will sit with him, read the pages and afterwards when he leaves, I will sit alone and cry for the son who felt so lost in this world that he decided to leave. He told me that last night, that he just didn’t feel like he belonged anywhere. And lord , how I know just how he felt. I can honestly say that today, as I lay on the couch, I thought how nice it would be to just close my eyes one last time. But, today is not going to be that day.