Pain

I’m on holiday.

Everything triggers a memory.

As much as I try to get into the groove of enjoying the surf, sun and beauty of Hawaii, my mind constantly contorts itself to remembering or thinking about my son.

Is this what I am destined for what time is left?

“I don’t want to do this any more.”

Those were some of the last words my sweet, beautiful son said to me just hours before he left.

I have 3 other children. I know they would be devastated if i was gone. I don’t know how to even be their mother anymore. I love them all. But I know they are settled in life and surrounded by love. I think they would be OK in time.

My dog Abes big beer bottle brown eyes are what keep me here the most in my darkest moments.

I live my life these days hoping that every ache; every headache; every stabbing pain in my head or abdomen is something that will take me out of here.

I don’t know how long I can do this. All I do know, is that like Sam: I don’t want to do this anymore.