Anger

I read somewhere that anger is the second stage of grief.

I haven’t hit the anger stage yet; at least I don’t think I have. I know I am angry at my son’s ex-wife for the role she played in Sam’s mental decline. And I’m mad at his supervisor for the way she treated him in those months leading up to his death. But I was mad at both of them before he died. I did once publicly say that his ex-wife left him for someone else, and my daughter got” all in my face” for saying it. Apparently I’m not allowed to be hurt or angry or say anything that might hurt the person who hurt my son, and who in turn played a pivotal role in the destruction of my life. Maybe I’m mad at my daughter now.

But I read from other parents: mostly mothers, who are just so angry at God and friends and family. I feel like the only overwhelming emotions that I feel are loss and sadness. Some days I feel like I might go crazy, but that isn’t an emotion is it?

I realized today, that the path in life that I was once on, no longer exists. I don’t have a future anymore: I don’t think about one anyway. Where I once had dreams about buying land, or advancing my career, there is now nothing. I used to dream of winning a lottery. I used to think about what it would be like to be able to go on lavish holidays; or buy a nice sports car or new motorcycle. I used to think about one day marrying Randy. I don’t think about anything anymore regarding a future. I don’t have a future. I have the present: the here and now. And Aug 2021. That’s it. That’s all.

Every day now for me is waking up; doing what needs to be done that day, and then going to bed to hopefully sleep. Sleep brings an escape from all of this. In my perfect world, I would stay in my dreams and never return to a conscious state.

It’s been six months in a world without my third child. I’m no closer to figuring out how to live in a world without him. All I do know, is that every day brings me one day closer to being with him.

To anyone contemplating ending their life: this is what you will commit your loved ones to for the rest of theirs. Please, think about them. I know your pain is strong. But, try to think about your loved ones. I don’t know how long I can sustain this life of mine. But I’m trying. Life is hell on earth for me now.