It’s been almost 6 months. Six months of not hearing his voice. Six months of longing to hear it. Six months of falling asleep at night and whispering ” I love you Sam” and not hearing his reply. Six months of waking up every morning and remembering that he is gone. Six months of feeling broken; incomplete; lost. Six months of not being sure that I want to stay here much longer.
My birthday came and went two weeks ago. My children all called, and even my dad called. But I still waited for that one call : it felt like there was something missing: Sam’s call. And of course, it never came. I do feel as if I heard him talk to me in the early morning hours as I was waking from my dreams: I do know that what I heard in the form of a thought inside my head wasn’t my own thought. I was sure it was him and that was comforting.
Sam continues to send reminders that he is still around. Some of them so strong that they can not be denied: others a little less subtle but I know they are meant for me.
God I miss him.
I have better days, and I seem to cry less. But when I do: it’s ugly. I actually had to leave work last week after breaking down in my supervisors office. I know people understand but I still have a hard time showing my emotions. I wish I didn’t. I want people to know just how special Sam was in this lifetime and I fear that if people think i” get over it” quickly, that his life didn’t have a huge impact on me. It did of course : he was my sweet Sammy: my third born son. My curly haired angel. I feel like I’m not meant to be here without him.
No parent should ever have to go through this. No mother is meant to lose her child: no matter how old that child is. Sam’s death is meant to teach me something in this lifetime. I may never know what until my time here is done. But what I do know is that it had taught me about pain. It has also taught me about my own empathy and compassion. I’ve always had both qualities, but getting through this with both still intact, I think speaks volumes about who I am. I can’t help but to feel that my lesson is nearly done though. And, I wish my time would hurry up so I could just go home.