Pergatory

I live in a space between;I’m neither here nor there;I walk a line between two worlds;I live deep inside a hell. My dreams are filled with torment;My soul has gone amiss;It’s searching for my child;Who left behind a dark abyss. His voice I long to hear now;I miss his sweet and gentle gaze;My heart isContinue reading “Pergatory”

What is left behind

The last few days have been a real struggle for me. I wake up, and immediately feel sad because I’m still here. I go through the motions of daily life. Sometimes it feels surreal. Some days I feel like I’m in a matrix and I just wish I could find a glitch that my sonContinue reading “What is left behind”

To another parent on the loss of their son as they face the funeral…..

It’s so heartbreaking to see others have to walk this excruciating journey as they face the nightmare called suicide in the loss of their child. None of us want to be in this bereavement group. No one ever knows what to say. There just are no words to cover it. I reached out to anotherContinue reading “To another parent on the loss of their son as they face the funeral…..”

The Will to Live

The other night I had what I think was an esophageal spasm. They present just like a heart attack. I had an episode back in 2014 and although the stress test was positive for blockage, the subsequent thalium stress test and ultrasound of the heart was inconclusive. They left it as ” possible esophageal spasm”Continue reading “The Will to Live”

Always

I was driving to work early this morning. As my car rounded the bend of 1st St, I said aloud ” I miss you so much Sam”. Within 2 seconds ( I kid you not and no exageration) the song ” Always” by Killswitch Engage started to play. This song is on my Spotify playlistContinue reading “Always”

Camping

We are camping at Sointula : a beautiful island called Malcolm Island near the north eastern tip of Vancouver Island. It is a quaint little place where wildlife is abound and the Orca are known to scratch their bellies on the pebble shores. It’s a beautiful paradise three hours away from our home. I neededContinue reading “Camping”

The loss of a child

I’ve had many parents say to me, ” I don’t know how I would survive the loss of a child. I’d want to die with them”. I’ve been told that I’m very strong to be living with this. I don’t know about being ” strong”. Because I’m not. I’ve been resilient through out my lifeContinue reading “The loss of a child”

Nine Months

Nine months today he left us. Nine months has passed so quickly. I carried him in the womb for nine months and 3 days : in 3 days he will have been gone longer than I carried him in my body. I carry his pain with me now. But if that means he can beContinue reading “Nine Months”

Is Suicide Selfish ?

My father asked me how my family is doing with Sam’s death. I said that we all struggle. He had had a few glasses of wine. Sadly, my father can only talk about deep feelings when he has had a few glasses of wine. It’s liquid courage. In fact, the first time I ever heardContinue reading “Is Suicide Selfish ?”

Grief is not linear. It’s all over the frigging place like an erratic heartbeat on an ECG chart. Its jagged like the mountain tops of the Rockies . Where I can one day laugh and converse with others as if my life was somehow restored, the next day ~ sometimes, the next hour ~ mayContinue reading

Ottawa

I’m on a plane flying west.  I have had a week at home to visit Sam’s grave as often as I wished.  It’s very difficult being so far away from him but of course even when I can sit by his grave,  he is still so far away.  For the first time since Sam died, Continue reading “Ottawa”

Bye for now

I always end my calls to loved ones with ” bye for now”. It means that I will talk/ see you later. I never say goodbye. My last call with Sam, just a couple of hours before he died, I said ” bye for now. I love you”. If there is anything that has comeContinue reading “Bye for now”

I navigate through the highs and lows of grief and sadness and at every turn, I find myself lost. My life was cut into two : first, the life we had with Sam. And then suddenly, life after Sam. My first life journey began Jan 22, 1966. I was born; I grew up; I married;Continue reading

The Many Faces of Grief

Every one is different. Everyone is allowed to grieve differently. Some become angry. Some fall into a pit of despair and struggle to find their way out. Some accept and just keep moving forward. There is no right or wrong way to deal with how you are feeling. And no one should tell another personContinue reading “The Many Faces of Grief”

The officer in charge of the military inquiry into my son’s death reached out to me the other day. I’m not sure how i feel about that. It was nothing bad, nor was it anything good: he was just letting me know that he had reached out to the authorities in charge to find outContinue reading

Acceptance

There are so many words and terms around suicide. I’m not really sure why; whether it’s trend, or avoidance and denial of reality. I read a line where one woman referred to her loved one as having died by ” s”. I’ve heard people use the term ” completed” , or ” transitioned”. ” Committed”Continue reading “Acceptance”

And The Sun Will Shine Again….

It’s been 8 months and 4 days since I lost my son. The gaping hole in my heart that was left behind will never heal. But, I do have moments of lucidity from my grief : moments that aren’t filled with an all consuming sense of doom and sadness. I never thought I would getContinue reading “And The Sun Will Shine Again….”

Some days are OK. Alot of days are not OK. But special holidays? They are hard. It’ll never be the same. Nothing will ever be the same. The emptiness; the hollow. No, nothing will be the same again. Time will bring healing . Time will realize a new normal. They say. What’s a new normalContinue reading

Easter Weekend

It’s another special holiday weekend : one that holds memories of easter pastel colored baskets and my children’s father and i staying up late to hide chocolate eggs around the house. Each of our four children would have a special spot in the livingroom where there would be chocolate easter bunnies and treats, a toy,Continue reading “Easter Weekend”

Anxiety

I’m feeling on edge tonight. It started this morning actually: walking around at work doing DIs ( daily inspections) on our support equipment, and getting irritated with members of the other trade I work with because they always seem to be sitting in the canteen while the rest of us are getting things done. I’veContinue reading “Anxiety”

An excerpt…..

I didn’t write this, but it is beautifully written. I’ve been fortunate to be surrounded by love and support, but I have spoken to others not so lucky. Apparently a grief counselor wrote it and I applaud them. Read on. 🌹 💐 🏵 🥀 🌹 💐 🏵 🥀 🌹 💐 🏵 🥀 🌹 💐 🏵Continue reading “An excerpt…..”