It’s been 10 months since my son decided to leave us. I used to wonder how parents survived the loss of their child. But now I’ve come to realize, that we don’t. I mean, we continue to breathe and function in a living body, but who we once were, died with our child. I don’t think there is any way to ever really come back from this kind of loss.

My son did teach me some valuable lessons through his early departure though: I thought I was spiritual before he died, but I’ve become so much more so in these 10 months of my grief. I was empathetic before but I am ever more so now. I’ve learned that materialistic things aren’t important. I’ve learned that you should never leave things unsaid, and I’ve learned to really listen to others and to see the struggles that they also go through. I’ve learned not to minimize others experiences in comparison of my own. Many parents are so so fortunate not to have to experience this and I hope they never do so when they talk about the losses they have experienced I offer them my compassion. I am grateful that I wasnt left with anger, or resentment ( mostly) towards others.. I see so many parents that are dealing with so much anger and that coupled with grief must be unbearable. I find that the grief alone is more than I can handle some days as it is.

It baffles my mind how quickly time has passed since he left. I find comfort in that knowing that the quicker it passes the sooner I will join him. I’m grateful at the end of each day knowing that I am one day closer to that glorious reunion. I have 3 surviving children and I love them as I love him: more than life. But it is the natural order to lose a parent and I know that after the hurt, they would be OK.

I don’t know why but i feel that I don’t have a lot of time left: maybe that is just wishful thinking but if my gut instinct is right, I won’t have to wait too long to make my own way out of this world. But what is long really? A year? Five years? Maybe it is just my grief talking. I am surrounded by beauty but I no longer revel in it. All I know is that I really just don’t feel like I belong here anymore. I don’t feel apart of the beauty of this wordly existence anymore.

This journey: no matter how you look at it, just sucks. No matter how much logic tells you that it wasn’t your fault, as a parent you feel it to the core. And all the assurance from others can’t change that. If you are someone who is struggling and who is having suicidal ideation, please get help. Don’t put your loved ones through this because they love you so so much. Also, there is so much more good things waiting to happen to you. Stay ok? Just, stay.