The Will to Live

The other night I had what I think was an esophageal spasm. They present just like a heart attack. I had an episode back in 2014 and although the stress test was positive for blockage, the subsequent thalium stress test and ultrasound of the heart was inconclusive. They left it as ” possible esophageal spasm” because I didn’t want them to look further into it ( I’m in the military and if I had a problem with my heart it would end my career).

Fast forward to this weekend : it wasn’t as severe as the one many years ago, but as I lay there gasping ( breathing hurt) feeling the pain spreading across my chest and up into my neck and jaw, I literally felt at peace with it and was more than ready to go if it was indeed my time. We were camping in the middle of no where so going to a hospital wasn’t even an option. The spasm eventually passed and obviously I lived to see the mornings sunrise.

I believe that all living organisms have a natural instinctual reflex for survival : it’s why I don’t kill spiders or creepy crawly things or anything for that matter. I truly live with guilt for eating something that I knew was once alive. But it appears that my own survival instinct is gone after the loss of Sam.
While I am not out chasing death by any stretch of the imagination, I’m certainly not afraid of it should it decide that my time is up. Had Sammy died any other way, I would have been devastated but I feel like my instinct to survive his loss would have been stronger. Knowing that he was in that much emotional pain .. it’s just too much. As a parent, living with the knowledge that I couldn’t save him is simply more than I can wrap my head around.

I’m not suicidal….but I’m grateful at the end of each day knowing that I’m one day closer to joining him. I have 3 surviving children who I love more than life, but I feel that this pergatory I walk now doesn’t let me be present in their lives as I should be so what good am I? I can’t force it . I wish I could.

Why did life play this cruel fate on my family? It’s so unfair. I know that death is as natural as birth and that we all must face it at some point. But why? Why my family? Why my son? Why did Sam jump ahead in line? A parent is not supposed to bury their child. Its supposed to be the other way around. My family needed Sam in our lives. . I need Sam in my life. I wasn’t remotely ready to say goodbye. 😦

It’s been 9 and a half months.


I read this earlier today and it struck a chord. So I’m sharing it here on my page. I share it in hopes than my own grief becomes softer to carry one day. I still have so much to want to live for, but I’m broken beyond what many can comprehend unless they have lost such a huge part of themselves. Our children are as much a part of who we are, as we ourselves are. To lose that big a part of oneself is something that you just can never fully come back from.

Published by iamtherealjude

I am a mother of four beautiful grown children. My son Sam: My youngest boy, lost his fight with his demons on Aug 19, 2021. This blog is a dedication to my sweet young man who I will forever look for in the beauty of this world until my last breath.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: