Control

I recently started buying house plants. Like, literally everytime I go to the store, I go to the plant section. Oftentimes, I buy healthy plants, but when I see a plant that looks like it will just be thrown away, I feel sad for it, so I buy it and bring it home, take off the sick or dead leaves and flowers, and I attempt to nurse it back to health.

I havnt cared much for having house plants in many decades so I couldn’t explain why suddenly I’m buying plants, especially the sick ones. I had a green thumb when I was younger but it was lost on me many many years ago. I even bought a cactus yesterday: I named it Dom Pedro.

But I think I figured it out this morning.

I’ve lost control of so much in my life in the past year since Sams untimly departure. I couldn’t stop eating and I couldn’t stop the grief weight from gaining. I can’t control my lack of motivation to get back to running or to the gym. The injury to my Achilles tendon prevents running but I know that the extra weight is partly to blame for that injury not healing. I can’t control my emotions and you have no idea how exhausting it is to try to act ” normal” at work all day. Yet, i cant fall asleep at night for hours and then when i finally do, i have a hard time waking up in the morning. I can’t control the dark hole that I can’t seem to get out of: I don’t want to even tie a bottom at the bottom of the rope .

But these plants: like my dogs and my cat – I make sure that they have food. I make sure that they have enough light. I talk to them. I love them. I keep them going for the next day, and the next.

I can’t love myself. I couldn’t keep my son alive. But I am trying my hardest to keep these plants who have no control over their lives happy and healthy.

Will I gain back control over my own life one day? I don’t know. I’ve taken control for 7 days of what I eat, and finally I have reached the point where I am not fighting cravings. It is a start. But I broke down last night to the point I couldn’t catch my breath. My life is not as it was a year ago. It turned 90 degrees and I don’t think it will ever get back on the straight and narrow. Grief is not linear: that is for sure. But I know that the old path I walked is overgrown now and I doubt I will ever find it. No : I know that it is lost to me for good.

I miss you Sam. Xo