Remembrance

Tomorrow is Remembrance Day. It’s a day that has always held a special place in my heart. This year, is extra….as will every Remembrance Day be from here after. My son was a soldier. I buried him 28 Aug, at the National Military Cemetery here in Ottawa, Canada. I flew back here a few days ago so I could stand by my son’s grave during the ceremony. I live 5000 kms away on the west coast. I miss him so much and being so far away from his grave is hard. I realized today what the feeling is that hits me square in the chest every.single.day. It is dread. Every day I dread every moment that he Is gone. I’ve come to realize that I will feel this way for what is left of my life. And I pray, that I don’t have long. I have three surviving children: his brothers and sister. And while I don’t love them any less than I love him…. I feel that the void that his loss has left, will never let me fit back in. I am broken. And I fear that I don’t know how to mother anymore.

My world changed that morning that he decided to leave. It’s not a temporary feeling. It’s not a ” new normal”. It’s not something I feel that I will ever learn to live with.

Next week I will attend the Board of Inquiry into his death. I have done everything to stay strong for that. Afterwards….all bets are off. I don’t know how I will face every day that I wake up.

But tomorrow, I will wear a poppy, and I will remember him as I remember all of those brave souls who chose the calling to defend the rights that I have come to feel, that way too many take for granted. Sam is with the brave. He was brave.

This year is extra for me.

They shall grow not old,
as we that are left grow old:
Age shall not weary them,
nor the years condemn.
At the going down of the sun
and in the morning,
we will remember them,
we will remember them.

I will remember.