Last night, was another Ativan night. I try to avoid that bottle, but sometimes, it just can’t be helped. Sometimes, the unsettled darkness in my head is more than I can deal with alone.
As I tapped just one tablet into my palm, for one brief moment, I looked at the remaining pills in the bottle and thought about how easy it would be to take all of them. I looked at my cabinet and noted how many bottles of unused pills of various kinds there are , and how easy it would be to make a cocktail.
But I closed the bottle, put just one Ativan under my tongue, turned off the kitchen light and went upstairs to bed.
It’s a rare day that passes that the thought of joining my beautiful boy doesn’t cross my mind. I just wish, that I could have the life back that we all had before he left. I wish that there was a way that an alternate could have played out that night, that would have left my perfect little family intact. I wish, that I knew my phone would ring tomorrow and I’d hear his familiar ” hey mam” on the other end. I wish, I could feel joy again.
I’m laying here on the very spot where we spoke our last words to each other. And the same spot where I would wake up to a phone call just hours later telling me that he was gone. I curled up here later that morning: after talking to my ex husband, and each of my surviving children; After talking to my father; After the official military knock at my door where I opened it to greet three offcial men in uniform, one being a Padre: all three of them witnessing me fall to pieces before their eyes. After all of that, I curled up on this spot and I screamed. And as Randy wrapped me tighter into his arms I screamed even louder.
It’s this spot, that I fall asleep on, if I fall asleep that is, at night. And it’s this spot, where I awaken every day to a new day : a day that comes with the re:realization, that Sam died.
So yes, on the inside, to most people who see a much more composed Judi, there is a much darker version of me now that I hide, and that I have to fight against, most days, to stay alive.
To anyone who is thinking of taking their life tonight, I wish you could have seen me earlier when I couldn’t catch my breath as I tried to hold it all in. I wish you could have seen my face twisted in anguish, and in agony. I wish you could hear me begging God, for just one do-over. This… is what you will leave behind. This, is what you will do to those who love you.
And now I, have to remind myself of this, every night.