Closure?

I had a friend say ” I hope this brings you the closure you’re looking for ” when I finished up with my part in the Board of Inquiry yesterday and prepared to catch a flight home this morning.

I can’t get upset. Unless someone has lost their child, there is no way that they could ever understand. And I pray that they never have to.

But closure? No. There is no closure.

When your child dies, there is no closure, there is no comfort, there are no answers. There’s just a void. A big, black void that sucks you in and tells you that this is your place now. This is where you belong now. Settle in and get ready for the ride. Parents who lose the life of one that they brought into the world are faced with trying to make sense of something every day, that will never make sense. Not in this lifetime anyway.

My purpose in attending the inquiry, was to be Sam’s voice. It was to represent my son. My only hope was to maybe say something, that might change some policy, to maybe make a difference for the next guy. I wasn’t looking for closure. You won’t find closure where closure doesn’t exist. You won’t find that in the void.

There are no answers. And there will never be closure.

The ” new normal” that everyone tells me is now mine, I just want to throw it at them. New ” normal”? There’s nothing normal about this. It was 3 months ago yesterday that I lost Sam. The world kept turning but I didn’t. I’m stuck there. And I think I forever will be.  I can’t bare to face a world without my beautiful son.  I literally,  hate my life. As a mom to 3 surviving children, seriously… how do I continue? How would you continue? All I know is that i really don’t want to.

Closure. Stupid words just don’t make sense in a world that doesn’t make sense.