Dear Universe, Fuck you. I am not ok. I spin round and round in a cesspool of darkness. I hold my breath but you force me to breathe. And I don’t want to. I feel like I’ll choke on my tears. But you won’t let that happen either. I feel like I am being punished.Continue reading “Dear Universe”
Category Archives: mental health, depression, suicide prevention. bereavement
This is my dog Abram. Or, Abe for short. Abe grounds me. He found me 5 years ago, and saw me through what I thought was the biggest crisis of my life ( at that time). Abe kept me alive in return for a roof over his head, a full belly, lots of walks, andContinue reading “Abe”
I hit the 2 month mark 3 days ago and it was brutal. I felt like I had been thrown into that first week again. It is a journey of healing that will see you ride out tsunamis and tidal waves, occassional calm waters, and then back to high seas and tsunamis. It will neverContinue reading “Advice”
Darkness setting in
It was two months ago today. The time has passed in the blink of an eye even though the days seem so long. It all still defies explanation: It makes no sense. Most days it feels like I am getting through this. But then something snaps and I’m off again on on a carousel ofContinue reading “Darkness setting in”
This is a hard day.
8 weeks today. I had to run to the store to buy batteries for my fireplace remote. And the song Rocketman started playing over the PA system. Sam used to play the guitar sometimes when we would talk on the phone. He played that song often and we would sing together. The song really meantContinue reading “This is a hard day.”
Stop, go, stop
That’s how my grief feels. One minute I’m fine; then I’m not ; then I am ; then I’m not. It’s endless. Tonight I’m not fine. People die every day. It’s the hardest part of life and love. It’s the cycle of our existence. At some point we all grieve the loss of love. ButContinue reading “Stop, go, stop”
It’s “Thanksgiving”. I guess the appropriate thing to say, would be ” Happy” and ” Thanksgiving”. But, I feel no happiness in my heart or my soul right now, so it’s a hard word to use- for me anyway. I am thankful though…I’m thankful every day for my family and my friends; for my pets;Continue reading “Canadian Thanksgiving”
Today, as I was driving to work, I had another sign from my sweet boy. As I often do now, I talk to him on my drive to work. I asked him to choose the next song. While I waited for the song playing to finish, I asked him for an answer to a question.Continue reading “Song”
Gifts and signs
My son died by suicide 7 weeks ago. I still am in disbelief that he is gone. But I guess we never get over the shock right? Especially when they choose to leave this world. I know he is at peace and this is the only thing that brings me comfort. Some days grief let’sContinue reading “Gifts and signs”
It’s been 7 weeks, yet it seems like yesterday. It’s almost 1 am….and I’m guessing, that with the time difference that this was possibly around the time of the morning exactly 7 weeks ago that you did it. I can’t get this out of my head. I suspect it will be a night of littleContinue reading “B.O.I.”
Tonight, I read your note. I’m sitting here, on the stair listening to the rain and trying to catch my breath.I’m sorry.I told you I would try to stop crying so that you could be at peace. But it’s not that easy Sam. It’s never going to be easy. I dread every morning as theContinue reading “The Note”
The past 6 weeks have gone by in a blur. I returned to work nearly two weeks ago, and although my days there are short ( 2 hours per day) it helps to get out of the house. The grief never goes away. Sometimes, for a moment I can find a place in my mindContinue reading “Visitor”
My father called me to tell me that Sam’s monument had been erected yesterday. Sometime, in the last few days, the cemetery workers had removed the temporary white cross, and erected his beautiful granite monument. There was no ceremony, no formality. The temporary marker replaced with a formal reminder, that he is gone from thisContinue reading “Monument”
I just miss him….so much
It’s only been five weeks and one day. My son left me on a Rollercoaster of emotions and sometimes, I’m not even sure what it is that sends me into the most intense bone racking convulsive fits of crying. It can be anything. The thought of Thanksgiving, Christmas, New Years, his birthday, Monday, Wednesday, aContinue reading “I just miss him….so much”
Who am I Anymore?
I’m a mother of four, wonderful grown children. But one is gone now. Although I’m still a mom of four … the balance is off. Who am I even? I love my 3 living children, but what good am I as a mother when I am broken? I find myself not wanting to face theContinue reading “Who am I Anymore?”
Return to “normal”.
I returned to work today: one month plus one day from the loss of my son. I found that people were uncomfortable around me ; as was I also, around them. How, someone can just return to their old life, when there is a gaping hole through them…is just not possible. I am an aircraftContinue reading “Return to “normal”.”
We need to talk about mental health
We need to talk about mental health. I, need to talk about mental health. And depression. And suicide. Right now , somebody, somewhere, is struggling. It could be you. It could be me ( well, that’s a given considering….). My point is – people are hurting. And although we may not be able to ”Continue reading “We need to talk about mental health”
I can’t sleep
Grief is a wondrous thing. You make it through one day with little to no tears…. but the next day hits you like a wrecking ball. I’m laying here in bed. My chest is tight. I’m having palpitations, or ” Butterflies” as they are often to referred to, but they feel more like big giantContinue reading “I can’t sleep”
Struggling.I’m living between two worlds….I wish I could say I had one foot in one or the other…but I’m in neither. I’m just here.Losing a child to suicide really turns you upside down, and backwards, and inside out.I have so much support. But ive never felt so alone.I was told that my lifeline on myContinue reading “Struggling”
A Roller Coaster of emotions.
It’ll be three weeks tomorrow. Three weeks ago was your last day alive. I wonder about that day. I like to imagine you walked your dogs and took in all the beauty and smells of the walking trails on your last day. But I don’t know what your day was like. You called me thatContinue reading “A Roller Coaster of emotions.”
For the Love of Sam
My name is Judi. I’m the mother of four beautiful children. On Aug 19, 2021 , I lost my third child to suicide. Sam was 31. As a parent to four children, my biggest fear in life, was to ever lose a child : how could I ever go on and be a good parentContinue reading “For the Love of Sam”