B.O.I.

It’s been 7 weeks, yet it seems like yesterday. It’s almost 1 am….and I’m guessing, that with the time difference that this was possibly around the time of the morning exactly 7 weeks ago that you did it. I can’t get this out of my head. I suspect it will be a night of little sleep.

Lately, I’ve not been able to shake the images that plague my thoughts. And I keep thinking that if I could go back to that night, that somehow I could change the outcome and you would still be here. It’s funny how our minds work : I think I can turn back time…. and you thought that there was nothing worth living for. How could we both be so wrong?

God damn it Sam. You were supposed to bury me one day. Not the other way around.

7 weeks and 1 day ago, I spent my evenings watching YouTube videos; the occasional movie; and, way too many dog rescue videos. Now, I spend my evenings reading posts from other parents whose children died by suicide. I Google ” suicide by hanging” to try to understand what your last moments must have been like. I don’t do this lightly or to be morbid: I do this to assure myself that you wouldn’t have suffered. Sometimes, I think about trying it myself. How, I miss the days of dog rescue videos. 😢

I received a call from the officer who is conducting the Board of Inquiry into your death today. He is flying out here next week. I have asked to speak on your behalf based on what you told me in our conversations over those last months. I know this won’t bring you back, but maybe recommendations can be made within the organization to prevent someone else from dying. This BOI will get me through the months that it is being conducted. Beyond that, I’m not sure how I will cope. Although I do have better days, I don’t deny that my love for my own life often is very diminished.

This weekend is Thanksgiving. I don’t really care much to celebrate it but I will. I will try to remember that I do have so much still to be thankful for, even though it feels right now, that I don’t. I will save a piece of pumpkin pie for you. I know how much you loved it.

I miss you my son. I’m going to try to be more positive in the coming days. Many times in my life I’ve had to ” fake it til I make it”. This time, I don’t know if I can because most days, my eyes tell a different story. But I’ll try.

I love you Sam

Published by iamtherealjude

I am a mother of four beautiful grown children. My son Sam: My youngest boy, lost his fight with his demons on Aug 19, 2021. This blog is a dedication to my sweet young man who I will forever look for in the beauty of this world until my last breath.

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