The Note

Tonight, I read your note. I’m sitting here, on the stair listening to the rain and trying to catch my breath.
I’m sorry.
I told you I would try to stop crying so that you could be at peace. But it’s not that easy Sam. It’s never going to be easy. I dread every morning as the sun comes up, because when I sleep, I can forget.
IF I can sleep that is.
But every morning as the sky begins to get brighter, just reminds me, that another day is about to begin without you here.
I don’t know how to be a mom to 3…. when I am a mom of four.
I don’t know how to exist when I’m walking between two worlds. I feel like I’m in pergatory.

The Ativan is kicking in. I hate it when I have to take it, because I don’t dream. And I’m so afraid that I’ll miss a dream where I can see you. And talk to you. But tonight, I read your note. So, an Ativan night it must be.

I wish this wasn’t so hard. But, this is the price of love. I only wish, that love could have saved you. If it could have, you would have lived forever.

I love you Sam. And I’m so proud of who you were on this side. I’m proud of you no matter where you are.

Published by iamtherealjude

I am a mother of four beautiful grown children. My son Sam: My youngest boy, lost his fight with his demons on Aug 19, 2021. This blog is a dedication to my sweet young man who I will forever look for in the beauty of this world until my last breath.

7 thoughts on “The Note

    1. Thank you Kait. These have been the 7 worst weeks of my life. I’m never going to get over this. I know he wouldn’t want that, but it’s something I have control over. When grief takes over, it sits in the driver’s seat and we are just the passenger holding on tight. God I miss that kid. Thank you so much for your kind words.

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  1. God this is still so new…I can’t imagine. Even when I just try to think of your pain, I am haunted. No, no one gets over this kind of trauma but what you do do, is learn to somehow live with it. By choice or accident/misfortune, no parent should lose their child….it’s unnatural and the grief is unnaturally unbearable. I’m so grateful you have 3 more children to live for. I have an only son and I don’t know how I would cope with not being needed or hearing the word Mum….if anything ever happened to him. Keep holding on tight, you’ll see Sam again one day, I truly believe that. Many blessings and peace to you and your family x

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    1. My biggest fear, in having more than one child, was what would happen if I lost one because I would want to go with them but how could I with three still being here? It’s a nightmare. A huge part of me went with Sam and I’m not so sure that there is enough of me to be the mother that Kris, Matt and Tessa deserve.

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  2. My friend lost her son 2 years ago. She has 3 other children too – one with Down’s syndrome who desperately needs her. She says to me that part of her died with her son. But I also have seen her laugh and love. I know missing him is always in her. She celebrates his life numerous times throughout the year. His cat passed away a few months ago and that was terribly traumatizing for her again. Her relationship nearly fell apart from losing him but they have come back together now and are strong again. You’re all grieving, hurting, torturing yourselves with the what if’s and why’s. Sometimes a soul just needs to go home and there are no other answers. This will never go away but the jagged hurt will get smoothed over time, a long time and one day you find yourself smiling when you think on him, not crying and so broken you can’t put yourself together again. Peace, love n light Jude x

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