Stop, go, stop

That’s how my grief feels. One minute I’m fine; then I’m not ; then I am ; then I’m not.

It’s endless.

Tonight I’m not fine.

People die every day. It’s the hardest part of life and love. It’s the cycle of our existence. At some point we all grieve the loss of love.

But this… when it’s your child that you grieve : this is unnatural. It’s unfair. It’s bullshit. Tonight, my heart isn’t in this world.

From the time my little family was small, it was four. I always counted. Four. Four goodnight kisses. Four good mornings. Four breakfast bowls. Four Easter bunnies. Four baskets. Four dinner plates. Four calls on Mothers Day. I have the constant feeling that I’m missing something, or that I’ve misplaced something. But it’s not something. It’s my third born child : my youngest son. My world is not the same without him. I’m not complete without him.

I’ve been experiencing anger a lot lately. I’m angry at the people who let him down. While I don’t blame anyone for his death: he chose it, I am feeling anger towards those who made him feel less. Those who did not support him. Those who didn’t believe in him. Those who set out to hurt him : His ex wife. His boss. His father’s wife. His father. Sam always felt like he didn’t fit in anywhere. Even within his own family. It always made me sad – to see him try so hard, yet he always felt as an outcast. I was told I coddled him too much. I was told I was a shitty mother, because I always defended him. Maybe I let him down too. I tried to make things easier for him because he always seemed to struggle. But maybe they were right: maybe I was a shitty mother and maybe I let him down.

Tonight, the struggle within me is strong. I don’t want to be in this reality. It hurts too much. And I don’t know how to make it feel any better.

It’s going to be a long night.