Is Suicide Selfish ?

My father asked me how my family is doing with Sam’s death. I said that we all struggle. He had had a few glasses of wine. Sadly, my father can only talk about deep feelings when he has had a few glasses of wine. It’s liquid courage. In fact, the first time I ever heardContinue reading “Is Suicide Selfish ?”

Grief is not linear. It’s all over the frigging place like an erratic heartbeat on an ECG chart. Its jagged like the mountain tops of the Rockies . Where I can one day laugh and converse with others as if my life was somehow restored, the next day ~ sometimes, the next hour ~ mayContinue reading


I’m on a plane flying west.  I have had a week at home to visit Sam’s grave as often as I wished.  It’s very difficult being so far away from him but of course even when I can sit by his grave,  he is still so far away.  For the first time since Sam died, Continue reading “Ottawa”

Bye for now

I always end my calls to loved ones with ” bye for now”. It means that I will talk/ see you later. I never say goodbye. My last call with Sam, just a couple of hours before he died, I said ” bye for now. I love you”. If there is anything that has comeContinue reading “Bye for now”

I navigate through the highs and lows of grief and sadness and at every turn, I find myself lost. My life was cut into two : first, the life we had with Sam. And then suddenly, life after Sam. My first life journey began Jan 22, 1966. I was born; I grew up; I married;Continue reading

The Many Faces of Grief

Every one is different. Everyone is allowed to grieve differently. Some become angry. Some fall into a pit of despair and struggle to find their way out. Some accept and just keep moving forward. There is no right or wrong way to deal with how you are feeling. And no one should tell another personContinue reading “The Many Faces of Grief”

The officer in charge of the military inquiry into my son’s death reached out to me the other day. I’m not sure how i feel about that. It was nothing bad, nor was it anything good: he was just letting me know that he had reached out to the authorities in charge to find outContinue reading


There are so many words and terms around suicide. I’m not really sure why; whether it’s trend, or avoidance and denial of reality. I read a line where one woman referred to her loved one as having died by ” s”. I’ve heard people use the term ” completed” , or ” transitioned”. ” Committed”Continue reading “Acceptance”

And The Sun Will Shine Again….

It’s been 8 months and 4 days since I lost my son. The gaping hole in my heart that was left behind will never heal. But, I do have moments of lucidity from my grief : moments that aren’t filled with an all consuming sense of doom and sadness. I never thought I would getContinue reading “And The Sun Will Shine Again….”

The Sun Will Shine Again One Day

I know how much it hurts,Β And that every day you cry. I know that sleep brings peace,But how tears return with the morning sky. I know that grief surrounds you,And suffocates your dreams. How life’s gone on without you…You were left behind, or so it seems. But one day the sun will shine again,And aContinue reading “The Sun Will Shine Again One Day”

Some days are OK. Alot of days are not OK. But special holidays? They are hard. It’ll never be the same. Nothing will ever be the same. The emptiness; the hollow. No, nothing will be the same again. Time will bring healing . Time will realize a new normal. They say. What’s a new normalContinue reading

Easter Weekend

It’s another special holiday weekend : one that holds memories of easter pastel colored baskets and my children’s father and i staying up late to hide chocolate eggs around the house. Each of our four children would have a special spot in the livingroom where there would be chocolate easter bunnies and treats, a toy,Continue reading “Easter Weekend”


I’m feeling on edge tonight. It started this morning actually: walking around at work doing DIs ( daily inspections) on our support equipment, and getting irritated with members of the other trade I work with because they always seem to be sitting in the canteen while the rest of us are getting things done. I’veContinue reading “Anxiety”

An excerpt…..

I didn’t write this, but it is beautifully written. I’ve been fortunate to be surrounded by love and support, but I have spoken to others not so lucky. Apparently a grief counselor wrote it and I applaud them. Read on. 🌹 πŸ’ 🏡 πŸ₯€ 🌹 πŸ’ 🏡 πŸ₯€ 🌹 πŸ’ 🏡 πŸ₯€ 🌹 πŸ’ 🏡Continue reading “An excerpt…..”


How do you stop the thoughts from coming? I used to do yoga: it was my go to for everything. It was what I used to do when I was stressed; when I needed to quiet my thoughts. I’d do yoga and pilates to make myself tired at night, or to start my day withContinue reading “De-stress”

Acts of Kindness

I bought flowers today when I shopped for my groceries. I felt that the colorful bouquet would bring some cheer into the home. As I was leaving the store I had a sudden urge to give them to some random person in the parking lot. I didn’t though: because I didn’t want anyone to thinkContinue reading “Acts of Kindness”

Healing and Meditation

I have a Spiritual Healer. She is also a Minister, and a Medium. She is wonderful. She has told me things that she would have no way of knowing. These things resonate with me. They help me to go on. She tells me to meditate and I told her how I struggle to be ableContinue reading “Healing and Meditation”

This is Grief

Grief is not a good bedfellow. I’m laying in my bed. It’s my day off. And it’s another write-off wasted day as I think about getting dressed and maybe walking the dogs, but I know I’ll probably sit in my pajamas until well into the afternoon. That seems to be my thing these days. MotivationContinue reading “This is Grief”


I just had the most beautiful reading. And Sam was with her before we even started. It was my second reading. Sheila is a Spiritual Minister and a healer. She is blessed by Spirit with a gift that can bring peace, love, and closure to those who need it the most. I don’t feel thatContinue reading “Reading”

Stranger things

It’s been a strange few days. I think I already wrote about dreaming about Sam’s friend and reaching out to him after having an unsettling dream about his mental state. But, there have been some things today that made me sit up and take notice. Maybe they are mere coincidence, but maybe there is moreContinue reading “Stranger things”