Author Archives: iamtherealjude

If I hear ” your son would want you to be happy” one more time, I think I’m going to scream. Like, that is going to make me suddenly happy? That’s going to turn my despair around, and make me smile again? There is just…. no words to answer that. Tonight, my nerves are raw.Continue reading “What Sam Would Want”

I’m feeling the darkness tonight. Its strange how it hits without any warning. I was OK earlier: tired, but ok. But now I’m not. It’s a desperate feeling: A most disconcerting feeling. I don’t want to be. I simply don’t want to continue to feel this pain. And that means, essentially, that I want toContinue reading “The Darkness”

I belong to a support group for grieving the loss of a child. In fact, I actually belong to a few. But yesterday I saw someone say how angry they get when they see someone post that their dog or cat or any pet for that matter, dies. This person stated that they just wantedContinue reading “Comparing Apples to Oranges”

I woke up this morning, and rolled over to face Grief. She was laying on the bed with me, propped up on one elbow, smiling sweetly as I opened my eyes. Her silhouette blocked out the sunlight as it streamed into the room. Good morning she said. I closed my eyes, and sighed. ” Morning”Continue reading “Grief”

I had a friend say ” I hope this brings you the closure you’re looking for ” when I finished up with my part in the Board of Inquiry yesterday and prepared to catch a flight home this morning. I can’t get upset. Unless someone has lost their child, there is no way that theyContinue reading “Closure?”

Three months ago today that you left us my sweet Sam. You’re on my mind almost every minute of every day. I hope I’m doing you proud as I honor you in my grief. I hope that as I share your story here in Trenton this week, that it is making a difference: I wantContinue reading “Three Months”

I’m in Trenton today. I’m surrounded by sights and sounds that bring memories screaming to the forefront for me. Four times already today, I had to drive past the parking lot where I hugged my boy goodbye, not knowing it would be the last time. It’s brutal. I flew three quarters of the way acrossContinue reading “Interview”

I’m waking up this morning, jet lagged, and time confused. We flew to Ontario last Saturday, travelling three hours ahead in time zones, not realizing that the clocks were falling back that night as well. So, when we arrived at my father’s house in Ottawa, I literally, had no idea what time it was: midnight?Continue reading “Time Travelling”

It was 11 weeks ago today that I lost my son to suicide. I am caught in the abyss now and the fear of never finding my way out terrifies me every day. I will carry my son’s pain and that is a burden that I will carry for him so that I can knowContinue reading “Abyss”

Tomorrow is Remembrance Day. It’s a day that has always held a special place in my heart. This year, is extra….as will every Remembrance Day be from here after. My son was a soldier. I buried him 28 Aug, at the National Military Cemetery here in Ottawa, Canada. I flew back here a few daysContinue reading “Remembrance”

We just boarded a plane heading back east. As I stood in line to go through security, memories came rushing back from when Sam and his ex-wife visited me here in Comox four years ago. I remembered standing with them in line as they waited their turn to go through. Just as I got toContinue reading “Boarding a plane”

Where is heaven exactly? Is it a state of mind? Is it a place? Where does our consciousness go when it leaves our body? Before I lost Sam, I always believed that heaven is just another dimension that it is as close as the next room. I am not religious, but that is an argumentContinue reading “Of Mediums and the Afterlife”

Last night, was another Ativan night. I try to avoid that bottle, but sometimes, it just can’t be helped. Sometimes, the unsettled darkness in my head is more than I can deal with alone. As I tapped just one tablet into my palm, for one brief moment, I looked at the remaining pills in theContinue reading “The downward slide of Life”

I’m laying in a hot tub, letting the water flow over me, while i watch a bath bomb sizzle as it gets smaller and smaller, changing the water from clear to pink and putting a pleasant aroma into the steam around me . I used to love taking a hot bath after a long day.Continue reading “The Little things”

Once upon a time, not a long long time ago, there was a girl. She was happy and found beauty in everything around her. The clouds, the sky, the mountains, the sea, the birds, the glisten of dew on a spider web, and the sounds of this life on a beautiful earth that we areContinue reading “Once Upon a Time”

You know, one of things I have hated hearing on this journey is ” you’re so strong”. I think most parents who have lost a child to suicide….for that matter ANYONE who has lost a loved one no matter what the cause of death is, those words make us cringe. It’s not that I don’tContinue reading “What Doesn’t Kill You, Makes You Stronger”

I’m not depressed. I can get up in the morning. I shower. I get dressed. I eat. I sleep….well, sometimes i sleep. I don’t have a ” foreboding sense of doom”. I don’t feel like I need to stay in bed all day. I’m not suicidal. But; sometimes I want to die. I have sufferedContinue reading “Depression vs Grief”

A friend recently posted a meme on my Facebook, that said something along the lines of ” when a husband or wife loses their spouse, they are called a widow. When a child loses their parents they are called an orphan. But there is no name for a parent who has lost a child”. IContinue reading “There is no word”

I had a rough night. I’m never sure what triggers these, aside from the obvious… but most days I can get through hiding much of what I’m feeling from the world. This ” bomb cyclone” weather we were hit with over the past two days was great weather for walking the dogs as my tearsContinue reading “Rage”

Dear Universe, Fuck you. I am not ok. I spin round and round in a cesspool of darkness. I hold my breath but you force me to breathe. And I don’t want to. I feel like I’ll choke on my tears. But you won’t let that happen either. I feel like I am being punished.Continue reading “Dear Universe”

This is my dog Abram. Or, Abe for short. Abe grounds me. He found me 5 years ago, and saw me through what I thought was the biggest crisis of my life ( at that time). Abe kept me alive in return for a roof over his head, a full belly, lots of walks, andContinue reading “Abe”