Sinead

Sinead O’Connor died today. It’s been said that she never got over the death of her son. I suspect she either chose to join him, or she died of a broken heart. Like Lisa Marie Presley. Regardless of the cause of death, which hasn’t been determined pr at least not been released, I know that in her heart, she chose to go.

I struggle daily with this: not wanting to end my life , but all the same, wishing for my journey here to come to an end. Wanting to get off the carousel or the roller coaster, or whatever you want to call it: but just stepping off of the ride called life. Just letting go.

They both lost their beautiful sons to suicide. And now they are both gone. I lost my son to suicide and I am still here. And I’m broken. And I don’t know how to keep going.

There is still more that I have to do here and it’s not yet my time to go. But I don’t want to keep going because at every turn; at every restbreak; at every crossroad : there is the never-ending knawing aching pain that doesn’t subside. And as hard as I try to make a difference for others, it’s not enough to heal me. There is no healing from this. And I don’t know where to turn anymore.