Nightmare
A parents worst nightmare is the death of their child. I am the embodiment of every parents worst nightmare. My son died. And as if that in itself is not bad enough, my son died by his own choice : he took his life. My grief is complicated by guilt: how could I have not…
The Third Christmas without You
It’s Christmas. And like the others before : the ones that I struggled through your absence,I will try to smile and face yet another one…Without you here. Christmas’s of yesteryear:Memories of a small boy, grinning ear to ear as you opened your gifts… gifts that you had probably snooped to find in the days before,…
2 years
Life can be tragic and the loss of a loved one profound. The loss of a child, no matter the age, is every parent’s worst nightmare. Losing your child to suicide is another level altogether. It’s been two years. Sometime between the night of the 18th of Aug and the early morning of the 19,…
Sinead
Sinead O’Connor died today. It’s been said that she never got over the death of her son. I suspect she either chose to join him, or she died of a broken heart. Like Lisa Marie Presley. Regardless of the cause of death, which hasn’t been determined pr at least not been released, I know that…
There’s another star in the sky tonight
My mom was a constant in my life. She was there when my heart took its first beat. She was there when I took my first breath; my first tears; my first steps.She guided my sisters and I through childhood and adolescence.I remember when I went to college, she wanted to buy me a Volkswagen…
My mom
I lost my mom a few hours ago. She has been in a nursing home for almost 5 years. When I lost my son 21 months ago, I needed my mom more than ever, but dementia had taken its grip on her and wouldn’t let go.I was trying to get home when she passed :…
Floating
I’m floating. Sometimes, I feel myself slipping below the surface, and I don’t want to come back up. I feel myself sinking deeper and deeper into the blackness. I hear my own words of hope and compassion that I tell the others who walk the same path I walk along. My words are convincing even…
Easter 2023
It’s a grey and dreary day. The torrential rains are threatening to flood my yard, but I just watched nine deer walk through, oblivious to the downpour, enjoying the growth of new grasses that stick out of the earth here and there. The holidays aren’t easy to navigate. This is our second Easter with Sam…
Happy Birthday in Heaven
17 Feb 2023Happy Birthday in Heaven to my sweet son Sam. You would be 33 today. I miss you beyond words. I still have days – most days- where my mind still can’t grasp or comprehend your absence from this world.I’ll make your favorite dinner tonight and set a place at the table for you.…
I’m tired
In early December, I sat with the president of the Board of Inquiry into Sam’s death. The findings weren’t good, as I knew they would be. The military takes no responsibility into his death. The harassment that Sam underwent was not significant because the Warrant Officer that the allegations were made against said they didn’t…
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For the Love of Sam 