I returned to work today: one month plus one day from the loss of my son. I found that people were uncomfortable around me ; as was I also, around them.
How, someone can just return to their old life, when there is a gaping hole through them…is just not possible. I am an aircraft mechanic in the military, and with my mind absent 90 percent of the time, and my GAF factor ( Give A Fuck) at near 0, I certainly wouldn’t want to fly in an aircraft that I signed off as being air worthy. Well, that is not true exactly , because right in this moment, I could care less if I live or die, and I’m leaning closer to the dying side. But, not wanting to be useless in my first day, I opted to empty the toilet and urinal on the plane when it landed. And then I went home, 7 hours early.
But going back to work this soon, is what I wanted. It gives me a distraction from looking at these house walls that just blend into my grief.
Returning to normal, is going to be a lot harder than I thought. I suspect, it will be impossible.
The pharmacist told me today that the risk of becoming addicted to the Ativan I’ve been taking most days since Sam left us, is pretty low because of the constant stress my body and mind is under. So, an Ativan night it is.